If We Had
by anonymous7
Summary: Lee and Amanda separate shortly after the marriage.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Lee and Amanda separate shortly after the marriage.

Timeframe: Several years after the season ended, although there are lots of flashbacks.

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Productions.

This story, however, is mine. Please don't archive it without my permission.

Rating: PG

I'm tempted to say that it was the moment that changed my life, but that seems so prosaic. People love to say that and it just isn't true. I mean that moment was only important or only happened because of a moment that occurred before it and probably wouldn't be important without those that came after it.

Besides, if I was going to name a moment that changed my life it would be the one at the train station nearly fifteen years ago, not the silly moment at the embassy. I mean, if I had never met Amanda, seeing Leslie that night would have been inconsequential. And even if I had met Amanda and seen Leslie that night, if I hadn't run into Dotty… Well, you get the point.

Anyway, the night at the embassy… It was more than six months ago now. I had gone to the American embassy during a party, but the assignment was nothing more than a milk run so I'd gone alone. The only other agent who was free at the time was Amanda and I didn't want to deal with that. So, I wasn't planning to stay – just get the information and leave, but then as I was on my way out she called to me. Her hair was long and past her shoulders and she was wearing a lovely green dress. Strangely enough, I hadn't seen Leslie since the night we broke up years ago. So, some part of me was glad to run into her again.

"_How are you, Lee?" she asked, sounding like she really cared what the answer was._

"_Good. You?" I asked as I held my hand out to her. She took it and we moved to the dance floor. We made small talk for a few moments as we glided effortlessly around the floor._

_Then Leslie reached over and took my left hand in hers, looking at it with a smile on her face. "Married?" she asked._

_I didn't know what to say. It had been years since anyone had commented on my wedding ring – people had gotten used to my wearing it, I guess. So, I just nodded._

_Leslie's smile widened as she asked, "Amanda?"_

_I nearly gasped. I'm not sure why I was surprised that she'd guess I was married to Amanda given that part of why we broke up was my accidentally calling her by Amanda's name. Still, it surprised me, so I just nodded again._

"_I'm glad," Leslie said softly, placing my hand back on her shoulder. "I know how much you love her, Lee."_

I should have corrected her; I'm not even sure why I didn't. I just didn't want to talk about it I guess. Besides, it was true. I am married to Amanda, have been for nearly ten years now. I just didn't bother to mention that Amanda and I barely speak anymore and haven't since just a few months after we got married. Oh, I see her sometimes. Sometimes I'll hear her throaty laugh tripping down the hallways at the Agency, hear the staccato beat of her heels hitting the floor as she walks (I'm amazed, but I can always tell when it's Amanda), or hear her voice as she calls a coworker.

But I walk in the other direction when that happens. I don't want to deal with the awkwardness of seeing her. I know the choice was mine, but I still don't like to deal with it.

"_Lee, you need to stop pushing me away," she stated clearly. It wasn't the first time we had argued about this. But it didn't matter how much we argued, my feelings weren't going to change. Amanda had two sons and it would be unfair to them if anything happened to her. I reminded her of this again, but it wasn't effective. She just exploded, "I am a good mother. Don't try to pretend that I'm not just because of this job. You didn't have a problem with it before…"_

"_You were shot, Amanda!" I cut her off._

"_On our honeymoon, Lee. Not on a case. I don't need to have this job to be in danger," she reminded me._

"_But you increase the risk so much by doing so. I can't let you do that," I pleaded with her._

"_I'm not asking for your permission, Lee. I'm an adult; I don't need you to make these decisions for me. But I'd rather do it with you than without you."_

"_No!" I exclaimed, certain that if I just argued enough she'd see my point._

When she put in the request for another partner, it was supposed to be temporary. Just to give us a chance to work with other people. She thought the time apart would be good for us, she thought if I saw that she was going to do this either with or without me, I'd relent.

At first, it wasn't so bad. We were a bit of a legend and so several agents wanted to work with both of us. And since Amanda had just recently finished her final tests, she couldn't be partnered with another freshman agent, so she was with agents… well, not that I trusted with Amanda exactly, but at least I felt somewhat safe that she was with agents who were experienced.

Only it didn't take long for things to change. Quickly others began realizing that Amanda hadn't moved up quickly because she was my protégé (as many had assumed) but because she was good at her job. This meant that even more agents were eager to work with her and less with me. I think some of the freshmen thought that working with me was the key to success. But I was a miserable partner – less rude to them than I had been to Amanda in the early days, perhaps, but not all that interested in having anyone else around. And since they now realized it took more than having Scarecrow as a partner to move through the ranks, what was the appeal?

Amanda, on the other hand, was a great partner. While she was less close to her other partners than me, of course, she still had a tendency to bring them baked goods, she was cheerful, and against all Agency training, she stubbornly refused to leave a partner in trouble. It meant people were loyal to her in a way that was uncommon at the Agency.

But whatever Amanda had thought, I stubbornly kept thinking that she'd give up at some point and refuse to keep working if she couldn't work with me. The argument took up all of our private time, until we could no longer be alone anymore.

"_This isn't working," she whispered, her voice drained and tear tracks still on her cheeks._

"_If you would just…"_

"_Not that, Lee. I've given up on that. Clearly we can't work together," Amanda sounded defeated, but when she saw my hopeful look, she quickly squashed it. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop working. It just means I'm going to stop pretending that this working with others thing is temporary. _

"_What I mean is we're not working, Lee. We can't spend any time together without arguing about this. We haven't made love in months. We haven't even managed to go out for dinner. Something needs to give."_

I was stubborn and insisted that she was the one who had to give. Amanda sighed and decided that we needed a break. It was probably a good idea. If I had been less stubborn maybe it would have even saved our marriage.

We didn't speak for a month before she came into the Q-Bureau to surprise me. She looked sad when she arrived and I thought she came to tell me she quit. I was sort of right. She told me clearly that she felt like I wanted her to stop being herself and she couldn't be with me while I wanted that. I was stubborn, though. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I thought if she loved me enough, she'd give it up for me.

I was wrong. She said that she wouldn't be happy doing that and if I loved her, I wouldn't ask her to.

We ended the conversation with the idea to stay separated for awhile.

Shortly after that I decided to wear my wedding ring. I know it seems silly, but I missed her when we were separated more than before. Something about it being more official made me feel like she was slipping away. But while some people would have thought this was a good reason to relent, I continued to hold out hope that things would change.

It was silly, I know. Amanda was quickly acquiring a name for herself at the Agency and it was not long before she had a permanent partner. Agent Dobbs was not bad as far as other agents go. He was kind and a good partner. He was happily married and that made him a less risky agent than me, which made me feel better. Of course, strangely enough, without a partner that was always trying to hold her back, Amanda started taking more risks. No one would call her risky, really, but I continued to wish she would play it safer if she was going to insist on continuing this job.

Despite her somewhat riskier behavior, Amanda has only sustained two serious injuries over the years. On both occasions she spent more than a night in the hospital. On the first occasion, she was unconscious for the first night. I spent the night in the hospital with her, holding her hand. But I slipped out in the morning before she awoke. The second time, she was awake except for the time she was in surgery. I spent that evening in the waiting room getting regular updates, but never saw her.

Given my previous track record, I doubt anyone would expect this, but somehow I felt less safe without Amanda watching out for me and so I started playing by the rules more. My partners, who rotated constantly for awhile, were surprised by this – they had expected the old rule breaking Scarecrow. It took two years before I found a somewhat permanent partner, and that was only as Billy insisted and Bill Hendley and I seemed to get along.

I have only needed to spend an evening in the hospital once. Amanda was in England helping MI5 at the time, but she must keep as close tabs on me as I do on her as she knew. She called me the following morning, sounding tearful. We only talked briefly, but she came to see me when she returned.

_Hendley looked up when the door to the Q-Bureau opened and seeing Amanda, he got up. "I need a file from the bullpen, I'll be back later, Stetson," he said. _

_Amanda walked in slowly, cautiously. We had not talked in years aside from small talk when we could not avoid it, or more honestly, when I could not avoid it._

"_How are you?" she whispered, her eyes roaming my body, looking for signs of the injury._

_  
"I'm fine," I found myself whispering back, although I was not sure why. "The bullet went right through me and I got to the hospital quickly. I won't even have all that much of a scar," I assured her._

_Amanda leaned on the edge of my desk, running her hands lightly over my shoulders. "If something were to happen to you…" her voice was barely audible and she trailed off._

_For a moment, I thought she finally understood, she was finally relenting, "That's exactly it, Amanda. That's exactly how I feel about you. It's why I want…"_

_She cut me off, her voice firm, "But I wouldn't ask you to give this up just because I'm scared of what can happen to you."_

"_I don't have two sons," I reminded her._

"_Actually, you do," Amanda said softly._

_It's probably not surprising, given my willingness to start this argument again when it had been two years since we last spoke, but I did not drop it easily now. "That's different, and you know it, Amanda."_

"_The boys are nearly all grown up," Amanda said, her voice soft again. "Philip is already looking at colleges and Jamie's only a few years behind him."_

"_Jamie's fourteen!" I insisted. "You can't really…"_

_Amanda stood up and I could instantly tell she was annoyed, "I don't want to die and don't sound like an idiot by insinuating that I do, Lee! But I won't stop my life for this."_

_I sighed and Amanda did as well, sitting down on my desk again. "I don't want to fight with you about this anymore."_

_I looked at her, thinking I did not want to argue anymore either, but not sure how to get the words through my throat._

_Amanda picked up my left hand, playing with my fingers, touching the wedding band lightly with her index finger. "We're not going to move past this, Lee," she whispered, "are we?"_

_I said nothing, not sure what to say._

"_I don't think we will," she said, her eyes tearing up slightly. "So, I do think you need to stop wearing the ring." She paused for a moment, before continuing, "But I can't help but hope that I'm wrong, so I can't seem to make myself suggest we make this more formal." She bent down and brushed her lips against mine, before getting up and leaving the room._

I have to assume it's only her job that makes her so busy she hasn't met someone else. There are certainly lots of agents here who would like to take her out, but I know my presence makes that unlikely to ever happen.

So, seeing Leslie again reminded me that I'm still married in a way I haven't really thought about for years. Despite the ring on my finger, the marriage seems fake – like something you do as a kid in kindergarten. That time in my life, that happiness, it belongs to another life, another man.

Still I brushed off the feeling and put the meeting with Leslie from my mind.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thank you so much for all the comments!! I'm really glad you like this. I was worried all the flashbacks would be confusing, so I'm glad no one wrote to say this doesn't make any sense.

Please keep leaving comments – they really encourage me to write! Critiques are welcome as well, although they don't leave me with the same rosy glow. J

The Yank and the Brit – sadly, no beta, so please don't be too surprised to find typos in the future. Must have been good luck last time!

I was thinking about Amanda when it happened. While I was blaming seeing Leslie for that, the truth is that I think of Amanda all the time, so it's hard to say Leslie changed that. Still, the important thing is that I was not watching where I was going. So, it wasn't really all that surprising when I heard the clang of my shopping cart hitting another. Bringing me out of the far away place I'd been, I looked up. The man in front of me looked ashamed. His white haired head looked at the ground as his face flamed up. But he was chuckling, so I doubted he had been any more hurt than I had been.

"Sorry, son," he laughed. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

I started to reply that I hadn't been either, when a slight woman came from behind him, laughing, "Curt, did you hit your cart into someone else again?" she asked.

I had to stop the gasp that I felt bubbling out of my mouth when she moved in front of the man. Her hair was a tad greyer and she had a few more wrinkles, but there was no mistaking it was Dotty West in front of me.

I had not seen her in years. For awhile, even after our separation, I would spend time in Amanda's backyard watching over her family, my family, I guess. But eventually I had to stop.

_I heard her heels on the hallway as I made my way toward the bullpen. In my usual effort to avoid an uncomfortable situation, I scurried into the nearest conference room and waited for her footfalls to pass me._

_I held my breath as she passed, for some reason certain that if I made a sound at all, she would find me. So I was surprised when there was a pause in her steps and a moment later, she opened the door to the conference room. "Lee?" she asked as she poked her head inside._

_I didn't respond right away, although there was no point in hiding. Her head was swinging around and it did not take long for her to see me, even in the darkness. She entered the room more fully. Closing the door behind her, she flipped on the light._

_I said nothing as I drank her in. It had been weeks since we had been this close to each other and I had somehow forgotten just how beautiful she is. She stood before me wearing a light colored blouse that showcased the tan I knew she had from spending the previous week in Mexico_ _on assignment and a light pink skirt. Nothing really all that special – typical Amanda fare. But it suited her well and called to mind mornings in the Q-Bureau and evenings at my apartment. The thoughts caused me to flush and Amanda's face took on a look of concern._

"_Lee? Are you alright?" she asked as she stepped closer to me and brought a hand up to my cheek. Her skin felt cool and soft against my skin and for a moment I felt my head turn into her touch. Then I remembered where I was and took a step back._

_I smiled, although I could feel that the smile was tight. "I'm fine, Amanda. Were you looking for me?" I asked._

_Amanda sank into a nearby seat and sighed. "We need to talk, Lee," she said, her voice resigned. In that instant, I knew. I felt my right hand grab for the wedding ring on my left in protest. She was ready to formalize the end of our relationship and while it may have been silly given the fact that I avoided my wife of three years when she came down the hallway, I still did not feel ready._

_I was so lost in trying to find ways to deflect her suggestion of divorce that I felt completely unprepared for the request she actually made when she finally began speaking again._

"_Lee, I hate to ask you this, but do you think you could stop coming by the house?" Her voice was so soft that I had to strain to hear her. I said nothing in reply as my head was spinning, just grabbed a nearby chair and sat down. Looking at me from lowered eyes, Amanda continued, "I'm sorry. I kind of like that you watch over us, it makes me feel safe, but I don't think it's good for either of us. It's so hard not to come outside and talk to you, and yet I don't think that would be good for either of us."_

"_We need," she started again, but then paused. I was horrified when she started sobbing and without thought took the chair next to hers and wrapped my arms around her. She came into my embrace willingly and cried against my chest for a few moments._

_Pulling back slightly, she continued to cry, but quietly now. "We need to pick a direction, Lee. Are we married or not? And if not, then we should," she paused again, but then taking a deep breath, continued, "we should make it official."_

_I had been gazing into her brown eyes as she talked, trying not to be too alarmed as more and more tears gathered there. And when she finished speaking, I did the only thing it made sense to do in that moment. I leaned forward and kissed her._

_Her lips were soft and supple beneath mine and within moments my hands were lost in her hair. Her hands were gripping my shoulders and she moaned softly into my mouth. I pulled away slightly to take a breath and she whispered my name. Any thoughts of backing off disappeared as I heard that one whispered word, and I brought my lips back to hers with a hunger I hadn't felt in years. I tasted her tears on her lips as we kissed, and heard her breath, fast and raspy. Moving to kiss her neck, I felt her pulse beating a frantic rhythm to match the one I could feel in my own chest._

_She moaned again, louder this time, and pushed my head away from her neck only to capture my lips with hers again. She suckled my lower lip for a moment, before running her tongue lightly along my lips. I felt a moan in the back of my throat as I slipped my tongue into her mouth and then lost all sense of who was where._

_When the door opened later – and I'd be hard pressed to tell you how much later, we had fallen to the floor and Amanda's blouse had come undone. Neither of us had heard the intrusion, clearly, and when I finally realized Billy was standing above us and clearing his throat repeatedly, there was no mistaking what we had been about to do._

_Amanda glanced up at Billy and her face turned a bright crimson. "I'm sorry, sir," she whispered, before turning her head and burying her face in my shoulder._

_My arms came around her protectively as I looked at Billy, too stunned even to be embarrassed. I was startled to see the sadness in his eyes as he took us in._

"_I'm sorry to interrupt," he said, his voice soft. "I heard noises and wasn't sure who was in here. I'm leaving now, but you may want to lock the door behind me."_

_As Billy turned to leave, it hit me how far my relationship with Amanda had fallen. Upon finding us in the conference room, Billy should have suggested that we leave these activities at home. But everyone knew that Amanda and I never saw each other there._

_The door clicked shut behind Billy and for a moment neither of us moved. When we finally moved apart, neither of us went to lock the door. We both knew the moment was broken._

_I stood up and held a hand out to assist Amanda. She was still flushed as she tucked her blouse back into her skirt and re-fastened the buttons near her throat. The pink in her cheeks gave her a soft glow and made me long to kiss her again. I leaned forward to place my lips on hers, but this time the kiss was sweet and soft and over way too soon._

_Feeling unsteady and in no way able to control my emotions, I did not want to continue the conversation Amanda had come in here to have. "I won't peek in your windows anymore," I whispered._

_Then leaning down once again to place a kiss across her cheek, I walked out the door and did not slow down until I was sitting in my car a few moments later._

It was hard at first to never go by her house and I found myself still driving by often. But I kept my promise and never left my car and eventually I stopped driving by.

So, seeing Dotty again was a shock. A shock that must have been clear on my face as she immediately took me in and gave a small gasp herself.

"_Lee Stedman?" she asked as she placed her hand lightly on Curt's waist. "You are Lee Stedman, aren't you?" she asked again._

_I nodded, finding myself at a loss of words, and Dotty looked at Curt. "Lee worked with Amanda," she explained. "A long time ago, he was in love with my daughter." The last sentence was directed at me and it had the desired effect. I could feel the flush progress up my face. Dotty smiled at me kindly, "It was so obvious that time you stopped by when Amanda had disappeared. You looked lost and the look in your eyes when you saw her picture gave you away."_

"_I…I…" I floundered, at a loss for words._

"_It's okay, I never told Amanda. Not that it mattered. I'm sure she felt the same way about you. It's a shame the two of you never managed to get together," she continued._

_Curt smiled down at Dotty, chuckling, "Sweetheart, stop rambling at the poor man._ _Between the two of us, how will he ever catch his breath?" He held out his hand to me, "Curt Davidson. Dotty's husband," he said._

_I finally found my voice as I grasped Curt's hand, "Lee Stetson."_

_Dotty looked at me quizzically, and I realized I had not corrected her earlier. "Actually, it's Stetson, not Stedman, Mrs. West," I said, my voice soft._

"_Actually, it's Dotty, Mr. Stetson," she smiled at me and I felt myself relax, somehow ignoring the feeling I had had just a moment ago at the realization that she knew I was in love with Amanda._

_Taking in my smile, Dotty seemed to relax even more, "If Curt is finished playing bumper carts, we're nearly done here. Would you like to join us for coffee, Lee?" she asked._

_I started to say no. Clearly having coffee with Amanda's mother and her husband was a bad idea, but when Dotty looked at me again, it was equally clear that I had no choice in the matter. Leaning over to grab the list out of my hands, she looked it over. "Oh, good, you're nearly done, too. Why don't I help you get the last few items while Curt picks up the loaf of bread we need?"_

_The words were said as a question, but from the pressure on my back, I knew there was no point in arguing._

It's hard not to smile now at the memory. It was the longest I had ever spent with Dotty West and it surprised me how much like her daughter she was. She was pushy and full of life and able to say more in one breath than the average person could say in twenty minutes. Having coffee with her was both wonderful and painful – in some ways it was like having coffee with Amanda, in others all it did was remind me what that was like, but this was not quite it. Dotty was less shy than Amanda – even the Amanda of late, who was significantly more confident than the woman I had met at the train station was a bit more guarded than Dotty. And of course, Dotty did not reach out to touch me as she talked, nor did I feel the need to touch her.

"_So what are you doing now, Lee?" Dotty asked. "Do you still work at IFF? Amanda doesn't mention you anymore, she never said where you went."_

"_I'm still there," I smiled at Dotty. "But Amanda and I both got transferred to slightly different divisions and don't work together anymore."_

"_Do you miss her?" she asked and I gasped slightly at the blunt question. "Guess so," Dotty smiled. Curt gave her a look of warning, but did not say anything._

"_Yes," I confirmed, staring into my coffee cup, "Amanda is amazing at her job. I have never had a better partner."_

_Looking up, I saw Dotty's look of pride over the compliment I had given Amanda. "She misses you, too," Dotty said, her voice soft._

_I nodded, not saying anything. I knew that had been true, although doubted it still was. _


	3. Chapter 3

I'm sorry this has taken so long to post. I'm usually a bit of a homebody, but the last few weeks I have been had very little time at home and have only managed to get online a few times. Unfortunately, this is going to keep up for the next couple of weeks at least while I have some travel for work. I'm hoping to be able to write while I travel, but usually sleep is a rare commodity when I'm not at home, so my energy levels (and thus creativity) are low. I'm hoping that once I get back, things will slow down.

Thank you for all the encouraging posts. They definitely fuel my desire to finish this story.

It had to have been fate. That is the only explanation. I mean, really, what else could it have been? I manage to avoid Amanda on a regular basis when we work in the same place. So, bumping into her mother is clearly a strange coincidence. And then doing so on that particular day - well the odds on that have to be about a million to one.

Still, I'm glad that the odds worked the way they did that day. I never would have known otherwise and I needed to know.

_I was smiling softly as I turned towards my Grand Prix. I know – a Grand Prix? But my love of fast cars had died sometime years ago._

_Anyway, I was smiling softly as I turned towards my Grand Prix. Coffee with Dotty and Curt was nice. A bit weird perhaps, but nice._

_And then I heard it. I didn't register the noise at first and just kept walking, but then I heard the woman scream. It wasn't a normal scream either. You know when you're in a supermarket parking lot, screams are not that rare: the young mother in her late 20s losing patience with her young child, the husband shouting at his wife about spending too much on the magazine she purchased on impulse, the middle aged woman yelling at some teenager for pushing a shopping cart into her car. No, screams in supermarket parking lots are sadly rather common._

_But not screams like this. This was a primal scream of intense fear, a scream of life or death. I spun around quickly, drawing my gun as I did so, and then was frozen to the spot by the sight._

_A car, spinning out of control, was careening onto the sidewalk at an alarming rate. Dotty's scream came as the car knocked Curt to the ground. And then to my horrified eyes, it fell from her lips as the car's momentum moved it forward, past Curt and into Dotty._

_In a second, I had gotten hold of myself and was moving forward, running toward Dotty and Curt as quickly as I could. When I got there, her eyes were still open and they took on a look of surprise as she glanced at my hand. Stunned by the incongruous look of surprise on the face of someone who was so clearly injured, my eyes moved to my hand. Taking in the gun still in my grasp, I nearly dropped it in surprise._

_I looked back at Dotty, not knowing what to say to explain, but her eyes were now closed. I pushed the gun back into its holster and knelt down. With one hand, I reached down for Dotty's pulse while my other hand reached out for Curt's._

_I felt the world go fuzzy at the edges. I felt a slight bumping against the fingers of my left hand, but nothing against my right. It took a full minute to figure out which was which._

_I was fighting to keep control of my voice as I reached back into my coat for my cell phone._

_I pushed the number without taking my left hand off the slight pulse below it. He answered on the first ring._

"_Melrose_ _here."_ _Some small part of my mind registered that it must be early still. Billy was talking around his morning donut._

"_Billy…" I gasped and then had to pause to take a breath._

"_Lee?" Billy asked. "Lee, what's wrong?"_

_I tried to gain control of my thoughts. "There's been an accident in front of the Safeway on the corner of Columbia_ _and Ontario."_

"_What kind of accident?" Billy probed._

"_A car hit a couple of pedestrians," I replied, my voice still ragged._

_  
"Okay, Lee, I'll call the police," Billy said, his voice reassuring. "This is a police matter," his tone still soft, Billy tried to remind me that this was not Agency business._

"_It was Dotty West and her husband, Curt, Billy," I clarified._

_There was a pause – while Billy tried to determine who Dotty and Curt West were? I don't know._

"_Billy, I can't find a pulse on Curt, and Dotty's is so faint," I said. "Billy, Amanda's mother, Billy," I was reduced to pleading, not able to find the words to clarify what I was saying._

If we had the ability to block certain memories, I know I would never be able to recall the next half hour of my life. Everything took on a horrifying feeling, the palor of death looming over everything I looked at like someone had dropped a sheer black cloth and noise deafening earphones over the world.

For several moments I could not even remember basic CPR to determine what was wrong with Dotty or try to save Curt. And then the world came alive again – or at least the noise deafening earphones were lifted. The sheer black curtain was still very present.

_The sirens coming down the street woke me up from the shock I had been in. I was ashamed of myself when the medics rushed over. I am trained not to panic in these situations and I had done nothing – I had nearly no information to give them._

_The police were right behind the ambulance, but they went directly to the driver of the car. I followed them for a moment, realizing that I hadn't even realized she was still there. Once I saw Dotty fall it was like my whole world had narrowed to the small area of the sidewalk where Dotty and Curt lay._

_The driver was a young woman in her early thirties. She had short brown hair and goose bumps were visible on the bare skin of her arms. She was pacing on the sidewalk, looking shocked and frightened. There was a baby in her arms, screaming loudly and while she rubbed his back, her eyes looked blank._

_I was staring at her, transfixed for reasons I can't explain even now when I heard the car screech to a stop beside me._

_Billy came out from the driver's side and a very confused looking Amanda pushed open the passenger door._

_For a moment none of us said anything. My eyes were now locked on Amanda's and I saw her look at me and then at Billy, still confused. Then glancing at the ambulance, a look of abject horror came over her face and in an instant she was in my arms. I don't even remember putting them around her._

"_Lee," she whispered, her hands running over my face. "What happened? Are you alright?"_

_My brain was still working sluggishly and I could feel the furrow form on my brow as I tried to understand why she was concerned about me. The slamming of the back of the ambulance seemed to bring things back into focus and I realized Billy hadn't told her._

_I moved out of her grasp to take her hand and pull her towards the ambulance. "I'm so sorry," I whispered and she squeezed my hand._

"_Sorry for what, Lee?" she asked. "Are you alright?"_

_I wish I had time to explain, but they were going to leave right then, so I ignored Amanda and turned to the EMT. "We need to go with you," I stated._

_He started to argue, but before he could, I explained, "That woman is my mother-in-law and this is my wife." He looked annoyed, probably as we delayed him, but went to open the back of the van._

_There was another EMT sitting by Dotty's side monitoring her vital signs. I took a step up and reached down to grasp Amanda around her waist._

_Once she was in the ambulance, I took her hand firmly in mine again and moved to the bench beside Curt's prone body, moving Amanda to sit down beside me._

_Almost afraid to do so, I turned to her. I saw the moment she realized that there were no machines hooked up to Curt, that no EMTs were sitting near him. She gasped and as if to confirm her suspicions, reached out to place a hand on his throat. Finding, as I had, that there was no pulse, she turned and buried her head in my shoulder._

"_Is she going to be alright?" she asked softly and I was amazed, as I always am, by how strong she is._

_I nodded, but then realized that Amanda couldn't hear me, but I also couldn't seem to get the yes out of my mouth. I realized then that this was because I didn't know the answer. "She has a pulse," I finally whispered, "It's weak, but there. And she's your mother. She's a fighter."_

_There was a pause before she asked, "Does she know?"_

_I flashed back to Dotty's look of surprise and wondered how Amanda knew that Dotty would have any way of knowing I'm not a film director. Then I realized that was the wrong question, she was asking about Curt, and still whispering, I replied, "I don't know. I don't think so."_

"_I don't want to tell her," Amanda whispered. "It's so unfair. She shouldn't have to bury two husbands."_

_And then the tears came. She leaned further into me, and I wrapped my arms around her, running my hands up and down her back as she sobbed. I wasn't even surprised when I felt my own tears fall down my cheeks._


	4. Chapter 4

As a note, I made a slight edit to "Mission of Gold" in this. I removed the tent over Amanda. It didn't fit into my story, and I've always thought it was stupid and outdated, so I just pretended it didn't exist.

The next few days were awkward. The thought of leaving Amanda alone with her mother never occurred to me, and yet there were moments when I desperately wished that things were different.

_Amanda sat beside me in the waiting room, holding my hand tightly, but she had not said anything since we arrived. I looked up when I heard someone calling my name, and tightened my hand in Amanda's as the group approached us. Had she not been so worried about her mother, Amanda would have been immediately impressed. Clearly Billy had pulled some strings as he walked toward us with Philip, who was now living in Chicago, and Jamie, who was in college in Boston, at his side. _

_He had already gone above and beyond by getting Dotty treated by the NEST team. It certainly wasn't standard procedure for family members, but when I had voiced surprise, Billy had said, "Amanda isn't your standard agent. Sometimes she needs someone to take care of **her**." His pointed look did not go unnoticed. It was not the first time Billy had made references of this nature to me and I knew that he did not agree with my decision to argue with Amanda about coming out of the field. I believe his exact words were, "Stop being pig headed, Lee. You'd never stand for Amanda making that request of you. She's your wife and she deserves better than this. Be the man I know you are and start acting like the husband she deserves."_

_I had chosen to ignore Billy's advice._

_Jamie took the seat on the other side of Amanda and took her hand in his. Philip stood in front of me, giving me a strange look. It took a moment for me to realize that he expected me to stand up. Of course he did. I was a stranger and he was her son._

_I let go of Amanda's hand and moved over to Billy. "Thanks," I whispered._

_Billy shook his head. "I didn't do it for you." His tone was warm but held a note of impatience. Of course I was being silly. Amanda had a relationship with Billy, one that did not include me. Given how separate our lives were it was foolish of me to forget that there were details about Amanda's life I did not know._

_Looking over at Amanda and her sons, I suddenly felt like I didn't belong. Amanda spoke in hushed tones as she explained the situation to Philip and Jamie. I saw the sadness in their eyes at the news that Curt did not survive and the worry over Dotty. I saw how even though they no longer lived together, they made a family, how they leaned on and comforted one another._

_Amanda finally looked up and smiled wanly at Billy. "Thank you, sir. I appreciate your help in getting them here quickly."_

_Billy walked over to the family, placing a hand on Amanda's arm. "Nonsense," he told her. "What's the use in working for the government if you can't get them to help you out in family emergencies? This is nothing. I wish there was something I could have done for your father-in-law."_

_Amanda nodded her head, "I know and I appreciate all you are doing for Mother." Letting go of the boys' hands, she stood to give Billy a hug._

_I stood by and watched the interchange and again felt as if I didn't belong. I saw the boys eyeing me curiously, but was not sure how to introduce myself. Pulling away from Billy's embrace, Amanda saw the looks passing between myself and Jamie and Philip. She beckoned me forward with a look and while I was tempted to just turn around and leave, I walked toward her._

"_Philip, Jamie, this is Lee Stetson. He's a friend of mine from work," she explained. Her voice cracked slightly on the word 'friend' but I'm sure the boys blamed that on her worry over Dotty._

_The boys nodded at me and I shook their hands. I caught Billy shaking his head slightly and I knew he was amazed that I was being introduced to these boys as a stranger even though I had been married to their mother for nearly a decade._

_There was a moment more of silence before we all took seats – Jamie and Philip continuing to flank their mother, and me continuing to wonder where I fit in to all of this and yet not willing to leave._

I wish it had only been one awkward moment. One moment where I did not know how to act, how I fit in, and then magically things got better.

Looking around, I wondered about Dotty. We had not gotten any news of her for a couple of hours. I hated the thought of her waking up and anyone having to tell her about Curt. I wondered how she would take it. For a moment, I had a crystal clear image in my head of what she would look like. And then I remembered where that image had come from.

_I sat by her bedside holding her hand. There had been no movement for several hours and I was feeling restless. I was tempted to leave and go do something proactive, but I would give my left arm to see her smile at me again. If I left, I might miss her opening her beautiful brown eyes. Besides I could not bear the thought of her waking up and finding herself alone. _

_I put my head down, resting it on her arm. The hours of silent vigil had made me tired and I was quickly lulled into a state that was not quite asleep, but was definitely not awake either. I was startled by the knock on the door and picked my head up as it opened._

_A nurse named Jeanette, I thought, came in, followed by a very worried looking Dotty West. She did not even look at me, her eyes immediately sought out Amanda on the bed and Dotty gasped._

"_My baby," she whispered, and with a strangled cry on her lips, she moved toward the bed. I felt awkward – neither sure what I should say nor what I should do. I moved aside to make room for Dotty and ended up standing awkwardly by the doorway._

_Jeanette moved passed me to take Amanda's vital signs, but seeing that nothing had changed, she left the room._

_Dotty took my place by the bed, her left hand in Amanda's as her right hand came out to brush Amanda's hair back off her face. Finally seeming to have control of her emotions, Dotty turned to me. Without any acknowledgement, she asked, "What happened? Who did this to her?"_

_I felt like a child and found myself staring at the ground and speaking in hushed tones. "She was shot. I don't know who it was or why they were shooting. However, I don't think it had anything to do with Amanda. I think she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time." I took a deep breath. I had not realized just how long it had been since I had last spoken and was surprised by how difficult it had been to get all of that out without crying._

"_Where were you?" Dotty asked. Her tone was matter-of-fact, rather than accusatory, but I still felt instantly guilty._

"_I was greeting an old friend. Amanda was going to meet him, but I heard the shots before she got out of the car. I crouched down and shouted at her to stay where she was. I thought she would be safe there," I was unsuccessful this time, and I felt the tears fall down my cheeks._

_I felt ashamed, I knew very well that boys don't cry and wasn't I trained to deal with situations like this? But Dotty did not seem to be judging me as she got up and wrapped her arms around me._

"_It's okay, Lee, I know you thought you were keeping her safe. Thank you for trying," she whispered as she moved her hands slowly up and down my back in a soothing motion._

_A few moments later I had stopped crying and we moved back to the bed, each of us sitting on a side of Amanda and holding her hand. Wiping tears from her cheeks, Dotty looked over at me. "So, are you going to tell me what you were doing in California_ _with my daughter when she told me she was on vacation?"_

_I was unsure what to say. It wasn't as if I had not realized I was going to need to explain this. I knew as soon as I had called Dotty that she was going to ask me why I was on vacation with Amanda, but I also knew that was a poor excuse for not calling her. If Amanda were not to… well, Dotty deserved to know what had happened._

_Still, while I had had plenty of time to think of a story for why Amanda and I were on vacation together since I had called, my mind had been filled with thoughts of Amanda, and I had forgotten to design a good cover story._

_Looking up at her I knew I would just tell her the truth. It's what Amanda would have wanted and I did not have the energy to keep up a lie. "She **was** on vacation, Mrs. West," I said._

"_Dotty," she corrected gently. "I told you before to call me Dotty."_

"_Dotty," I corrected myself. "Amanda was on vacation. She was on vacation with me."_

_I saw Dotty's left eyebrow rise and suddenly remembered Amanda telling me years ago that her mother thought she was having a clandestine love affair. Still, I thought the marriage should remain a secret._

"_Well, good for her," Dotty whispered, then looked up and smiled at me slightly. "I'm sorry it did not go as planned."_

_The sentence struck me as funny and I laughed. Dotty joined me and a minute later we were both leaning forward, laughing like twelve year olds._

It was one of the few clear memories I had of interacting with Dotty, particularly alone. While I felt like I already knew Dotty before that based on years watching her through Amanda's kitchen window and stories of her from Amanda, I was still surprised by how much she clearly loved her daughter and her strength. In retrospect, I saw much of her in Amanda.

After that, Dotty and I settled into an easy companionship for the next several days. With Dotty there, I felt more comfortable leaving Amanda and I felt this desperate need to find out who had shot her and why.

While I did not have any good reason to explain to Dotty where I was going, (I could hardly tell her what I was doing given that she thought I was a film director) she never questioned my comings and goings and instinctively knew that even when I was away, my thoughts were never far from that hospital bed.

It had amazed me then how despite not knowing each other, despite the fact that all we knew about each other really was that we both cared for Amanda, my awkwardness with Dotty had only lasted for a few moments.

But of course, things were not that easy this time. And while seeing the boys was awkward, it was far easier than facing Joe King.

_I stood up when Joe entered the waiting room. I'm not sure why, but while I knew Joe to generally be an affable, approachable man, something about the way he walked in made me uneasy. Perhaps it was the old jealousy rearing its head, or perhaps it was the way Joe seemed to still fit into Amanda's life, while I did not. Whatever it was, as soon as I saw Joe, I stood up._

_I saw his eyes move over me, past me, to find Amanda and I tried to push down the feeling of awkwardness when Amanda stood up and Joe wrapped her in his arms. I tried to ignore the feelings of self doubt as I saw his left hand move soothingly up and down her back while his right reached out to grasp Philip's shoulder consolingly._

_Amanda pulled away and Joe pulled each of his sons into an embrace in turn and I felt a little sick to my stomach at how much they resembled a family._

"_Where's Carrie?" Amanda asked, and I saw her eyes flicker over to me, knew that the question was asked for my benefit, as a reminder that she and Joe were not together. But this kindness on Amanda's part only made me feel sicker – that she would think of my feelings while her mother was in critical condition, after I had been the worst sort of husband. That she could still care about me enough and know me well enough to read my expressions. I felt behind me for the arm of the chair I'd been sitting in and sat back down._

_After another moment, Joe came toward me with his hand extended, "Lee." His voice was completely calm and none of the coldness I expected to hear was there. I stood up again and took Joe's hand, suddenly feeling completely inadequate. I remembered with sudden clarity how much I had disliked Joe before I met him. I had thought him a coward and a bastard to leave Amanda and their two sons to go save the world. I wondered what kind of man could want more than Amanda and had thought him foolish._

_And now, ten years later, Joe was the one involved in Amanda's life, even if he was married to someone else, and I was nothing but an outsider._


	5. Chapter 5

It was two days before Dotty was fully awake. The time spent waiting was awkward, uncomfortable, and miserably depressing. As Philip and Jamie were still not clear on why I was even there, I continued to sit across the waiting room from Amanda. I watched her silently, taking in the slope of her shoulders, the downcast look in her eyes, and the frown lines appearing around her mouth.

At one point I did actually consider leaving, wondering if I was providing any comfort to Amanda at all. But then the boys and Joe went to the cafeteria to get some food. I did not move, not sure if she even remembered I was there. A moment later, though, Amanda moved to sit next to me. She rested her head on my shoulder and whispered, "I'm glad you're here, Lee. I know it's hard for you, and I appreciate your saying."

We sat in silence for the next several moments, but then the boys and Joe came back, and Amanda moved back to sit with her family, but of course, thoughts of leaving were gone now.

No one went in with Amanda when Dotty awoke, and so we were not there when she told Dotty about Curt. The boys went in to visit their grandmother as Amanda exited and she came over and fell into my arms. Joe came to sit beside me and reached to caress Amanda's back while I ran my fingers through her hair.

She cried in silence for a few moments before pulling away. "Thank you," she whispered to us both as she wiped tears off her cheeks. Joe leaned over to kiss her on the cheek and I reached out for her hand.

It was another week before Dotty was allowed home. In that time, Amanda and the boys took turns visiting her. Joe had gone back to work, but came by every day after dinner and spent a half hour or so with Dotty.

I sat outside saying little and continuing to receive strange glances from the boys. A day or so before she was sent home, though, Dotty asked to see me. It was a short visit, but it meant a lot to me that she realized I was there.

Of course, things got even stranger once Dotty was sent home. Amanda had taken an indefinite leave of absence to be with her mother until she was up and well again, but with them being home, I had no convenient way to spend time with Amanda, so I went back to work. Philip and Jamie stayed for a couple more days, but then they, too, went back to their lives.

I had taken up my earlier habit of hanging out in Amanda's backyard. It had not been a conscious decision; I just found myself there after work. I never knocked on the door, or did anything to indicate my presence, but I stood in the area that used to house Dotty's garden and listened to the sounds of Amanda and Dotty.

For the first few nights, there was little by way of conversation. Dotty spent a lot of time crying and Amanda spent a lot of time consoling her mother. Then Dotty realized that someone should have been working on setting up arrangements for Curt's memorial service. Billy had done some preliminary work and Amanda told Dotty that if she was ready, Billy and Jeannie would come over to discuss the final details.

I came by just before Billy and Jeannie left and as had quickly become my custom, I knelt in the flowerbed.

"_Can I ask you a question, Amanda?" Dotty asked._

_There was a pause before Amanda replied, "Of course, Mother. What do you want to know?"_

"_What is it you do for a living? Really?"_

_There was another pause. "Whatever do you mean, Mother?" Amanda finally replied, her voice higher than normal._

"_People working for documentary companies, even government run ones, do not carry guns." Dotty paused to let this sink in, before continuing, "And I remember Mr. Melrose, Missy. I'm sure you think I'm an old woman whose memory is fleeting, but I remember him. He came here when you disappeared years ago and he told me he worked for a government agency." She paused again before adding, "Of course, he was a lot less polite that time," under her breath._

"_Guns?" Amanda replied, not sure what to say._

"_Lee was holding a gun," Dotty replied. _

_Predictably, Amanda replied, "Lee?" She did not know that I had talked to Dotty. Somehow it never came up and Amanda was in the cafeteria when Dotty had asked to see me in the hospital._

"_Lee Stetson. Certainly you remember him, dear," Dotty still sounded remarkably under control._

"_I… I didn't think you'd remember him," Amanda finally said. "It's been years."_

"_But…" now it was Dotty who sounded confused. "Didn't you know we were having coffee just before the accident?"_

"_You were?"_

"_Curt and I bumped into him in the supermarket. We had coffee with him afterwards."_

"_You had coffee with Lee?" Amanda asked._

"_Yes, he looked lost and like he could use a friend," Dotty explained._

"_But… I mean… how…" Amanda stuttered, trying to get her thoughts into words._

"_I'm sorry, dear. My memory is clearly better than you think. I don't forget men who were clearly in love with my daughter."_

"_In love?…" Amanda still seemed startled and confused._

"_Well, yes, dear. Certainly you knew," Dotty paused and when Amanda did not speak, she continued, "Oh, please tell me that you knew, Amanda, you didn't think you were the only one feeling that way?"_

_Amanda said nothing for a few more minutes, although when I strained I could hear her taking deep breaths. Finally, she nearly whispered, "No, Mother. I knew."_

"_Good, so back to my question. What is it you do for a living?"_

_There was a pause before Amanda, sounding near tears, whispered, "I'm a spy."_

"_A…a…" Now Dotty was the one who was stuttering. "You're serious, aren't you?" she asked. There was silence for a moment, but when I lifted my head slightly above the windowsill I could see that Amanda was nodding her head._

"_Oh my..." Dotty trailed off. A moment more of silence followed before asking, "How long? How did you end up as a spy? Why?"_

_Amanda leaned forward to grasp her mother's hand. "You know I can't tell you everything, Mother. Some things need to be quiet for national security."_

"_Oh, right, national security," Dotty said, her voice still sounding dazed. "Who is it you work for anyway?"_

"_It's a secret agency, sort of like the CIA, but quieter."_

"_So, IFF is all just a cover," Dotty said as the realization hit her._

"_Well, sort of," Amanda explained. "IFF doesn't make any documentaries. Or most of us don't. There are a few documentaries made each year just to keep up the cover."_

"_And all those openings you go to, have been going to for years?" Dotty asked._

"_Stake-outs usually," Amanda explained._

"_So, how did you get involved?" Dotty asked, "Or is that a secret?"_

"_No, Mother. It isn't a secret. It was just a coincidence really. I was taking Dean to the train station…"_

"_Dean!" Dotty cut in. "You've been doing this since you were involved with Dean?"_

"_Yes, Mother. But only part time," Amanda said, sounding more in control the longer she spoke._

"_Oh, you were only a part time spy. That's very reassuring," Dotty replied sarcastically. Then she paused and took a breath, "I'm sorry, please go on."_

_Amanda stopped for a moment too and took a look around. I dipped behind the windowsill before she could see that I was there. "I was taking Dean to the train station and a strange man grabbed me and asked me to give a package to the man with the red hat on the train."_

"_And you did?" Dotty cut in again, surprised._

"_I did," Amanda replied, her voice soft. "I know it sounds weird, but I said no and he pleaded with me and his eyes were so soft and he just looked like someone I could trust…" Amanda's voice trailed off._

_The two women sat in silence for a moment before Dotty whispered back, "Lee?"_

"_Yeah," Amanda replied. Then a moment later, her voice stronger she said, "So, I went on the train, but I couldn't find the man in the red hat. And so I brought the package back here and somehow Lee found me. And then somehow, I was helping out. It was mostly office work at first,"_

"_But it was a way to be near Lee," Dotty pointed out._

_Amanda gave a little chuckle. "Yeah, though, I'm not sure how much that was a draw. Lee was obnoxious and not very nice to me and really had virtually no interest in my being there."_

"_But then why?" Dotty asked._

"_Mr. Melrose asked me. And it was fun and exciting and I felt like I was doing something to make the world a better place."_

"_And so you stayed," Dotty said._

"_Yeah, I just got sucked more and more into it."_

"_So, do you carry a gun?" Dotty asked._

"_I didn't for a very long time. I hated the idea of it and didn't want to have a gun in the house with the boys. But eventually I wanted to do more and I couldn't get the training I wanted without also taking classes on using a gun. And I guess after being around them for a while I started to understand that they can be safe as long as the people who use them are incredibly safe."_

"_Weren't you scared?" Dotty asked._

_Again, Amanda's voice took on a slightly wistful tone. "Yeah, but Lee was with me and he was very patient."_

"_So," Dotty started. "I guess by the time you were ready to learn how to use guns Lee wasn't so obnoxious?"_

_Amanda laughed lightly, "Yeah, you could say that."_

"_So what happened?" Dotty asked. "How did you and Lee get from 'not obnoxious' to where you are now? Or maybe we should start with where __**are**__ you now?"_

_Amanda sighed and said nothing for a moment and then taking both her mother and me off guard, she said, "Lee and I are married, Mother."_


	6. Chapter 6

My apologies both as this is insanely short and it's been forever since I last posted. It all started with smoke coming out of my computer. I lived with it for awhile, but when it kept happening, I finally felt the need to relinquish my computer to the gods (although that's really giving the service center credit I'm not sure they deserve). Not having that spiffy a plan, they kept it hostage for about two weeks. And then things at work got crazy and just slowed down now. But I had written this just before I gave up the computer and while I had hoped to add more to it, since I'm about to go out of town for a week, I thought maybe it would be better to post this before I go.

Only it's fair to warn you that it will likely be at least two more weeks before the next chapter is up since I won't be able to do any writing while I'm away.

Happy holidays! I hope you all have wonderful holiday plans.

_I was running late for my meeting with Billy and was nearly running down the hallway in order to get there in time. So while I normally would have been cautious walking down the hallways of the agency in an effort to avoid Amanda, this time it was not really all that much of a surprise when I not only missed the fact that someone was coming toward me, but I knocked them over._

_I looked up and my heart nearly stopped as I took in the brown, lightly curled hair. But then she looked up and I realized it was one of the freshman agents, Sandra Gostel, not Amanda. I smiled in apology as I began gathering the papers she had dropped when I ran her over._

_She made small talk as we worked and I smiled. She was funny and not as in awe of me as the other freshman. Still it caught me off guard when she asked, "Lee, would you have dinner with me?"_

_I paused in my motions for a moment. It had been years since I had been on a date. Somehow it felt like I was cheating on Amanda even if we were hardly together anymore._

_Seeing my deer-in-headlights expression, Sandra clarified. "Look, I know there's a rumor that you are married," she gave a pointed look at my wedding ring, "But I also know that you live the life of a bachelor. And you're cute and from all the stories I've heard you're also fun and wickedly smart. But of course you don't have to. I've heard the rumors about you and Mrs. King."_

_There was another pause while I tried to find the words to say when a third voice rang out in the hallway. The words were stilted and sounded as if they were being pressed up through a very constricted throat, but still clear. "Those are nothing more than rumors, Sandy. Lee's free to date anyone he wants," Amanda said as she walked past._

_She bent down a few steps later to pick up another spare paper and turned back towards us to hand the paper to me. In that moment I took in the look in her eyes and nearly lost my breath. There was a mix of so many emotions it was hard discern any of them – hurt, confusion, love, jealousy, just to pick out the ones I was able to define in that brief second._

I never did go on that date with Sandra, although she took my silence as acceptance. In fact, since my marriage, I have never gone on a date with anyone. In my heart, I am still married. Still, given that it had been ten years, I did not really expect that Amanda considered us married. I mean, legally, yes, but not really, not emotionally. As much as I did not want a divorce, I would never argue with her if she asked, that would be silly since I could not seem to hold a real conversation with her.

I guess before that moment, though, it had never occurred to me that Amanda never had asked. She had certainly hinted a couple of times, but she never pushed the issue and she never seemed happy with the idea of it. So, it surprised me to hear her tell her mother we were married.

"_Lee and I are married, Mother."_

_I would have expected Dotty to gasp at this revelation, and perhaps she did, but I did not hear it as I gasped myself. It was almost comical. It's not as if Amanda said something I didn't know, but somehow it shocked me anyway._

_Dotty's voice was like steel when she did reply. "You and Lee are what?" There was a pause, but before Amanda could respond, Dotty continued. "I know I misheard you. I know you did not say that you were married, Amanda. I know that had you gotten married you would have told me long before hand. Perhaps you said, 'Lee and I are engaged to be married, Mother?' But even that is unlikely. I mean you wouldn't spring your engagement to someone we never see anymore on me. I know you wouldn't."_

_Amanda said nothing, although it did not take careful listening to hear her sobs. The two sat in silence for a moment before Dotty folded in the face of her daughter's grief. "Amanda, you are my only child and I love you as only a mother can love her daughter. But aside from that, I hope you consider me a friend. We don't have a choice as to our family, and so I consider myself lucky to have you as a daughter as I would want to be in your live even if we weren't related. I hope you know that and that you feel comfortable telling me anything… Well, anything that you aren't required to guard for national security anyway."_

"_I do, Mother," Amanda said through her tears. "It's just… it's just that everything is such a mess."_

There is a slight clinking noise as my CD changer moves between discs and I stare at it blindly. The CD player had been a gift from Francine, a joke of sorts as to my inability to move on from the past. Despite how ridiculous it sounds, prior to the CD player, I'd had a record player, never having embraced tapes. As the new CD starts, it exemplifies Francine's point about my living in the past and I wonder if this is what is wrong with my life.

"_A-Man-Da" I complained loudly. "Would you stop?"_

_She laughed at me and I bit the inside of my cheek so I would not smile back at her. She was having too much fun with this, but her joy was contagious and it was hard to focus on the important point._

"_No," I said loudly as I saw her hand close over the Simon & Garfunkel record. "That's a classic!"_

"_They're all classics, Lee," Amanda laughed. "You need to broaden your musical repertoire. Include some real classics or something more contemporary."_

_I pulled her toward me, distracting her with soft kisses along her jaw. "What classifies as a 'real classic'?" I asked between kisses. "And what would be contemporary enough for you?"_

"_Bach or Beethoven for instance. For contemporary, the boys keep going on about someone named Madonna," she replied. I could hear her breath getting a bit heavy and I knew I had successfully distracted her. Leaving just my left arm around her, I used my right to grab the Simon & Garfunkel album from her hand._

_As Amanda dipped her head so that her lips met mine, though, we both quickly forgot the squabble over the record._

Say what you want, but I like the _Bridge Over Troubled Water_ album, and the remastered CD version was the first thing I bought for my new CD player. Typically, I find it hard not to tap my foot along to the beat when _Cecilia _is playing, but today, even that did not brighten my mood. Maybe I do live too much in the past and that is the problem with Amanda.

I mean, any fool can tell we should have divorced years ago, but I refuse to do it, instead spending my evenings thinking about her. Of course, any fool would probably say that maybe that means divorce is the wrong direction and it's time to stop being pig headed and relent on the working thing. The truth is, though, that I have. I mean even I'm not that stubborn. I see now that I was wrong and if Amanda wants to work, she should do so.

But it took me so long to get there that by the time I did we were in a place where things were just too awkward to move past and I couldn't find a way to tell her.


	7. Chapter 7

"_Hi," she said quietly as she entered my apartment._

"_Hi," I replied back. "Thanks for coming over." My voice was gruff with nerves and I cleared it, though I doubted it would do any good._

"_Of course, Lee._ _You said you wanted to talk," Amanda said, holding a plate of chocolate chip crumb cake out toward me. "For you," she said simply while she blushed._

_I felt flush, too, as I thanked her. It shouldn't have surprised me that Amanda remembered my favorite of her cakes, or that she found time to bake it before coming over, but it did._

"_Thank you," I said, my voice soft._

_Amanda smiled slightly and I felt this intense need to hold her. Whether it was from the softness that came through from her smile, or the nervousness I could see in her eyes, I don't know. But I actually felt my arms rise as if to embrace her and had to stop myself._

"_Do you want to sit down?" I asked her._

_She nodded and then moved to the couch sitting on the very edge of the cushion. I wanted to laugh at how nervous we both were. It was hard to believe that we had once made love on this couch given our current behavior. _

"_A piece of cake?"_ _I asked, mainly to give myself an excuse to procrastinate. "Coffee?"_

_I could see in her eyes that she was about to say no, but then she looked closely at my face and changed her mind. Perhaps she saw that I needed a few more moments, or perhaps she needed them, too. She stood up as she said yes._

_Something made me stay right where I was and she walked past me into my kitchen. When I entered behind her she was already making the coffee._

_It must have been a testament to how lonely I was or how much I missed her that I could not think of anything sexier than Amanda still knowing her way around my apartment. And clearly it was a testament to my stupidity that I placed the coffee cake down on the counter and wrapped my arms around Amanda while she measured out coffee grinds to put into the coffeemaker._

"_I've missed you," I whispered into her hair._

_Amanda said nothing, but she dropped the spoon and her hands moved to rest on my counter, her head bent over. I took in her hands grasping my counter top as if for strength and I knew I should not have said that, and yet I could not seem to let go of her and move away._

_Instead, I felt my lips gently push her hair away until I had access to the back of her neck and I started placing light kisses there. I heard her breath hitch and then she asked, her voice husky, "What did you want to talk about, Lee?"_

"_I'm sorry," I whispered. "I was wrong. I want to…" But I never finished saying what it was that I wanted as while I was talking, I had moved my hands on top of hers, prying her fingers away from the counter top. I had then placed my hands on her waist, turning her towards me slowly, letting my lips caress her neck as she turned._

_When she was faced towards me I stopped speaking all together, placing an open mouth kiss on the hollow of her throat._

"_We shouldn't do this," she whispered, her hands now grasping my shoulders. I picked my head up to look her in the eyes, but realized that I could not see clearly past the tears that had gathered in my own._

"_I miss you so much," I whispered again as I brought my lips to hers. Some small part of my brain registered that she was right, we should not be doing this. And so while what I wanted was to crush her to me, I continued to hold her lightly and suckled softly on her bottom lip, trying to give her a chance to back away._

_I felt her hands on my shoulders tighten some more and then I moved slightly to more fully encase her within my arms and spread tiny kisses across her lips. _

"_Lee," she tried again to put some emotional space between us, but I was too far gone at that point and instead of reminding me to back away, the sound of my name on her lips just drew me closer to her._

_I pressed my lips more firmly against her, and asked for entrance with my tongue seconds later. When her lips parted beneath mine, I became bolder, my hands slipping beneath her shirt to spread over her rib cage._

_All rational thought was gone at this point and so I was almost shocked an hour later to wake up in my bed to find Amanda wrapped in my arms. I was nearly certain it was a dream._

"_I'm sorry," I whispered to her sleeping form. "I'm so sorry. I don't want to keep doing this. I want to move past it. Please forgive me, Amanda, please."_

_My whispered pleas were interrupted by the ringing of the phone. Amanda did not wake up immediately, instead snuggling further against me. "Lee?" she asked, but then the phone rang again and she woke up. She backed away from me startled and looked around us in confusion._

_Her voice still gruff from sleep, she asked, "Shouldn't you get that?"_

_I did not want to answer her and I did not want to get the phone. I was sure that either one would break the spell that had brought her here. But at the fourth ring, I came to my senses. Leaning over, I picked up the handset to the phone on my night stand._

"_Thank goodness you answered," Francine said before I had a chance to say hello. "Bill is already on his way to California. You need to get on the next plane."_

Everything happened so quickly that night. Amanda could hear the urgency in Francine's voice from her place next to me and before I had gotten to chance to get off the phone, she had gotten out of bed and gotten dressed. I desperately wanted to continue our conversation when I hung up, but Amanda cut me off, reminding me that I needed to catch the next flight out and she left before we could talk about anything of importance.

The case in California was far more complicated than anyone imagined and I ended up being out of town for about six weeks. By the time I came home, that night in my apartment seemed like a lifetime ago. When I found Amanda's glove in my foyer where it had fallen out of her coat, it left me feeling breathless and I just did not have the nerve to call her again to try to talk.

For her part, Amanda seemed confused and I could tell that she was avoiding me at the office when I got back. Usually it was me making attempts not to bump into her in the hallways, but now I was trying to see her. I hoped that if I did I would have the nerve to ask her to come over again and try to have the talk we hadn't. But when I saw her at the Agency she always seemed to be dashing off or turning off the hallway we were both walking down just before we met and I did not have nerve to trace her down directly.

Eventually, things moved back to the way they had been and I didn't get the chance to tell her how much I wanted to be married again, really married.

_Through the window, I could see Dotty move to engulf Amanda in her arms, rubbing her back with slow circles. "Oh sweetheart, what's wrong?" she asked, all signs of her earlier anger gone now._

_Amanda sniffled and pulled away. "Lee and I…" she paused to sniffle again and then took a deep breath. "Lee and I got married ten years ago." Her voice was soft and stilted, but Dotty's gasp could be heard over it clearly._

"_Ten years ago!" she exclaimed, her voice a mixture of shock and hurt._

"_I wanted to tell you, Mother," Amanda said, her voice nearly pleading, "But I hadn't told you about Lee at all yet because of the Agency and so it seemed like it might be better for Lee to get to know you and the boys first."_

"_So," Dotty broke in, her voice infinitely stronger than Amanda's, "What you are saying is that during the time that Lee was spending over here and we were getting to know your boyfriend, he was actually your husband?"_

_Amanda nodded, looking like a little girl afraid she was about to be scolded._

"_Oh, Amanda," Dotty whispered, pulling Amanda into her arms again. "That's exactly what I would have expected of you," she said. "And I understand you're wanting us to get to know him before telling us you were married, but why did you never tell us you were engaged?"_

"_Lee and I started fighting and things got worse and worse and by the time I would have told you, Lee and I were barely speaking anymore so it just didn't make any sense."_

_Dotty laughed, "Whatever were you fighting about, dear? It couldn't have been all that bad."_

_Amanda sniffled again and took a deep breath before asking, "Do you remember my getting shot when I was in California?" she asked._

_Dotty blanched and her voice shook slightly as she said, "You don't forget the sight of your child on her deathbed that easily. Of course I remember." She paused for a moment and then said, "I imagine that was the result of something agency related. It wasn't the vacation you said you were on?"_

_Amanda gave a grim chuckle. "No, that was a vacation all right. It was our anniversary."_

_Dotty nodded thoughtfully. "Oh," she said simply. "No wonder Lee looked so lost."_

"_Yeah," Amanda said, "It was just a random coincidence. But it scared him."_

"_Of course it did!" Dotty cut in, her voice firm._

_Amanda nodded, "I know, I know. He was reacting normally, but still, he wanted me to quit working in the field even though my getting shot had nothing to do with our jobs. And I know it was only as he was worried about me, but he couldn't seem to move past it. We fought about it more and more and eventually we couldn't seem to talk about anything else."_

"_So you just stopped talking," Dotty said, her voice soft._

_Amanda nodded. "Yes. And then so much time had past it was like we couldn't talk at all anymore. I should have asked for a divorce..." Amanda started._

"_You mean you should have tried to work through it," Dotty said._

"_We couldn't. Every time we tried, we just argued some more. But I didn't want to be divorced so when Lee seemed reluctant to discuss it, I let it go."_

"_So, you are still married," Dotty asked, stunned._

_Amanda shook her head._

"_When was the last time you talked to each other?" Dotty asked._

_Amanda thought, "Aside from a few days ago at the hospital?" At Dotty's nod, she continued, "I guess about two years since the last time we really talked. He called me to talk about year and a half ago but it didn't work out."_

"_Why didn't it work out?" Dotty asked, and I could see Amanda blush._

"_I went over there and somehow we never ended up talking," she mumbled._

"_Oh for goodness sake, Amanda!"_ _Dotty admonished. "You're in your forties. It's okay to tell me you had sex with your husband!" She laughed when Amanda's blush deepened._

"_So, at least we know the attraction is still there," Dotty teased, but stopped laughing when Amanda gave her a pointed look._

"_I know. That isn't the issue. But Amanda, this is foolish. You can't keep not talking to your husband for ten years. How the two of you managed to keep it up this long, I have no idea. And I saw that man's face when we had coffee and Amanda, he still loves you. And clearly, you still love him. One of you needs to start acting like the adult you are and get up the nerve to talk this through. I mean, what are you trying to do, win the world record for the longest separation ever? Why would you want to be alone when the man you love loves you as well?"_

_When Amanda said nothing, Dotty continued, her voice pained, "If I could have just one more moment with your father or Curt…" her voice trailed off, but she took a deep breath and kept talking. "But I can't. You, however, can and to continue being so stubborn as to not take advantage of it is both ridiculous and foolish. And quite frankly, I raised you better than that!"_


	8. Chapter 8

Billy is not going to be pleased. Bill asked for a desk job three months ago and Billy made it very clear that he was expecting me to find a new partner, and if I did not do so he would assign one – working alone was not an option.

I have been dragging my heels on it, but not due to my usual reticence to work with a partner. Not that I'm over that, but it's just not the driving force for my reluctance. I am starting to wonder if it's time for me to come in from the field, too. I mean, I need to be realistic. I'm forty-seven years old. I just don't have that many years left before someone forces me out. Maybe this is the time to hand in the towel. On the other hand, a normal desk job does not sound at all appealing to me.

However, I know I need to decide soon. Billy has been asking about it more and more and is scheduled to get here in less than ten minutes to discuss my options for partners. We have a new batch of freshman agents that just finished and I know he is hoping I'll choose one of them.

But of course, I'm having even more trouble than normal focusing on this problem since I am so distracted with the conversation Amanda had with her mother. That conversation took place two days ago. I left shortly after it ended. Dotty's comment had the desired effect on me – I was thoroughly ashamed of my behavior. She was right, we were behaving like children.

I also knew that given it had been ages since I had spent time in Amanda's flower bed, she had had no idea I was there, and so I felt a bit embarrassed at listening in on a conversation I'm sure she had no intention of my hearing. So, I have not been back to her house.

Amanda is due back at work on Monday and I have no idea what to say to her or what to do. While I know Dotty is right and we need to start acting like adults, the truth is, it's hard. After ten years of not communicating, it's hard to know exactly what to say.

Billy came in a few minutes later to find me staring at the wall blankly. It's harder to hear him these days. While he is showing some signs of age, his hair is slightly grey for one thing, overall, time has been good to him. He talked of retiring a few years back, but Jeannie convinced him he would not be happy at home full-time. However, the decision to stay prompted him to make several decisions.

First off, he came to the same realization that I am grappling with now. Forced with the realization that he was too old for the field, Billy stopped going to help out on occasion. While his fieldwork had obviously seriously declined when he took on the section chief position, it was not all together unusual for him to lend a hand now and again. I know he did that as he missed the work, but he finally realized it was time to let that go. Secondly, he decided to reduce his hours and has been delegating more and more of his old tasks to Francine (who is only to happy to hold it over all of our heads that she's clearly being groomed to take over his position).

Lastly, Billy has made some personal changes. He's taken up jogging and mostly given up his morning donuts. I know he misses the treats but he assures us all that now that he's more relaxed, he does not need the sugar. The effects have been good. In some ways, while Billy sees himself as too old to be out in the field, he's in better shape now than he was ten years ago. But I know his father dying gave him a bit of scare. His father died from a heart attack shortly after Amanda and I got married. While for the first several months, of course, Billy's feelings were outwardly focused on losing his father, when he got back a routine physical that said he had high cholesterol, it made him more cautious all around.

All of these things lead to Billy being a bit softer (and lighter) and thus somehow harder to hear when one is as distracted as I am. I did not even notice him there until I heard him chuckle. Looking over, I saw him gazing at the wall. "I don't see it," he said, his tone amused.

"What?" I asked, surprised the melancholy in my voice could be so clear in that one word.

"The name of your new partner. I assume you're thinking you'll find it there?"

"Very funny," I grinned slightly in spite of myself.

Billy walked in further taking the seat across from me. "What's up?" he asked.

I paused for a moment, "I still don't know," I started, but Billy cut me off.

"I wasn't asking about the partner. I've known you a long time, Lee. You've never taken on a partner willingly, so I don't expect you to do so now. I meant what's up in your personal life?"

I looked at him sharply. Billy knew better than anyone that I did not have a personal life anymore.

"Now's not the time, Lee. I know how you feel about Amanda's working and you know I think you're wrong. But now is not the time for that. She needs you now. And I would say from what I saw at the hospital that you want to be there for her."

I nodded my head in agreement with this, but did not say anything. While I still considered Billy my friend, it had gotten increasingly difficult to talk to him about issues with Amanda.

"_What the hell is going on, Lee?" Billy demanded as he entered the Q-Bureau._

_I looked up at him, trying to appear confused. I knew Amanda put in the request for a new partner this morning, and I knew that this would be a surprise to Billy, but I had not expected him to be quite so upset. It wasn't as if Amanda and I had been working well together recently._

_Taking a deep breath, Billy leaned against the corner of Amanda's desk. "She says you can't work together anymore, Lee. That you won't let her participate in cases anymore. And I want to argue with her, but looking at the reports of your recent cases, it's hard to do so."_

"_She's been recuperating," I started to explain._

"_You know as well as I do that Amanda was cleared for duty eight months ago. And against my better judgment and Amanda's wishes, we agreed she would stay out of the field for an additional month. But that was seven months ago and I have yet to see one case report where Amanda participated in anything but desk research."_

"_She was shot, Billy!" I said, exasperated. How could he not see that Amanda did not belong in the field any longer?_

"_And?" Billy said, pausing while he waited for me to explain myself fully. When I didn't respond he sighed, "How many times have you been shot, Lee?"_

_I could see where this was going. Heck, Amanda had used the same argument with me last week. "That's different, Billy, and you know it."_

"_No, I do __**not**__ know it, Lee," Billy said and for a moment I wondered if he was channeling Amanda since that was the same response she had given. "How is it different?" he asked, again, the same as Amanda._

_So you would think I would have an answer all ready for him given that I had "practiced" this exact argument with Amanda. But the same as when she asked, I had no answer. Finally, in exasperation, I gave the same answer to Billy that I gave to Amanda, although I knew it was not the thing to say to Billy at all. _

"_Because I love her!" the exasperation came through clearly in my voice and the declaration carried all the annoyance I felt rather than the tenderness one might hope would accompany those words._

_Billy sighed again, moving from Amanda's desk to the chair in front of mine. He sat there in silence for a few moments before speaking, his voice tender. "You might as well know now that both you and Amanda are up for your bi-annual security review."_

_I looked at him quizzically, not understanding the non-sequitor._

"_I told Amanda this morning that if there were any skeletons in your closet, now was the time to tell me so that I could deal with them before Smyth found out," Billy paused. When I still looked confused, he clarified, "Amanda told me about the wedding, Lee."_

_I shook my head, not sure what to say._

"_If I honor Amanda's request for a new partner it won't matter. But, Lee," he said, his tone nearly beseeching, "I would prefer not to honor that request and fight for the two of you. My guess is you don't need me to tell you this or you wouldn't have gotten married, but you two are better together than apart."_

_I said nothing for a moment, and then finally, my voice embarrassingly small I pointed out, "I don't want to be apart. She does."_

_Billy shook his head, "No, she does not. She just wants a chance to work in the field again. She's earned that right, Lee. And I shouldn't need to remind you that it's something she's worked very hard at given that it took the person I paired her up with years to understand that she has something to offer."_

_I nodded in agreement. He was right, Amanda had worked hard for that and I had fought her every step of the way in the beginning. But it was different now. How Billy and Amanda did not see that was beyond me._

_Finally, when it was clear Billy was not going to say anything else, I admitted the thing I had been trying not to say for weeks now. "I'm afraid I'll lose her."_

_Billy stood up and moved to stand beside me, placing a warm hand on my shoulder. "I know. But Lee, trust me when I say you are more likely to lose her this way than if you agree to work with her in the field."_

_He removed his arm and walked toward the door. I wanted to stay silent. I had let too much emotion show already, I did not need to let Billy see how abandoned I felt by his coming here to side with Amanda on this. But somehow the words spilled out of me anyway. "You're supposed to be **my** friend!" I called to him._

_Nearing the doorway, he turned around and looked at me with warm eyes. "I am your friend, Lee. And as your friend, I'm telling you that you are making a mistake. A big one. And if you aren't careful, you are going to lose the best thing in your life." With that, he walked out the door._

We had had several discussions, or rather arguments, about Amanda since then, particularly in the first several months after Billy granted her request and she started working in the field again, albeit without me. But Billy held firm. No matter how much I tried to convince him that this was a mistake, Billy insisted that it was not. And that no matter how much he cared about me as a friend, this was a decision for the section chief, and giving Amanda a new partner was the best thing for the Agency.

It had been years since we had talked about it, though. At some point, we both realized we were not going to agree. After finding us in the conference room, Billy had asked to see me and tried to suggest once more that I try to work through things with Amanda. I did not disagree with him, but was unsure how to move past the awkwardness with Amanda. When it became clear I was not going to take his advice, Billy stopped mentioning her all together.

Now, after several moments of silence, I finally admitted what I had been thinking the past hour. "I don't know how."

Billy looked startled at my admission. "What?" he asked.

"I don't know how to be there for her. Everything is so awkward between us, I don't know how to move past it. I just want to do so, to get to a point where we can be there for each other again, but I don't know how to do it."

Billy looked at me with sympathy. "Well, you could start with being honest with her. Tell her how you are feeling. Let her know you miss her. And," he added with a slight smirk, "maybe leave work stuff out of it."

I laughed somewhat hollowly in reply. "I don't care about the work thing anymore. If she wants to be in the field, she should be in the field. I was wrong to try to stop her. I know that now. I've known it for years. I just haven't been able to tell her."

It was that Billy's suggestion of just being honest that I thought of when I approached Amanda in the bullpen on Monday morning. "I miss you," I said simply as I approached her desk.


	9. Chapter 9

It was that Billy's suggestion of just being honest that I thought of when I approached Amanda in the bullpen on Monday morning. "I miss you," I said simply as I approached her desk.

Amanda looked up sharply from the papers she had been perusing. She stared at me blankly for a moment before she seemed to process my words. "I miss you, too," she whispered, her voice husky.

"Can I take you to lunch?" I asked. I had thought it over and decided that this conversation was going to be too difficult to have at the office.

Amanda glanced at her day planner and looked up apologetically. "I'm sorry. Mark and I have meeting at the State Department at one. But maybe this evening?"

"Dinner?" I quickly latched on to the opportunity.

Amanda smiled slightly, "Sure. What time?"

"What time will you be free?" I asked wanting to be as accommodating as possible.

"Well, Mark and I are planning to drive over together. The meeting shouldn't last more than a few of hours, but Mark is going to drop me off back here before we both head home," Amanda thought through her schedule.

"So you'll be back here at four or five?" I asked.

Amanda nodded still thinking.

"We could go for an early dinner from here and then I could take you back here for your car," I suggested.

Amanda sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult. But Joe is moving Mother back to her apartment this afternoon. I'd kind of like a chance to visit her briefly this evening to make sure she is alright. Could we meet later – maybe eight? I can meet you at the apartment?"

"Of course," I assured her. "If you end up needing to stay with your mother just let me know."

I walked away already feeling better. Not only was it clear we both wanted to talk, but Amanda had said she would meet me at _the apartment_ not _my apartment_. She already? again? thought of it in the terms that we had used so frequently years earlier. It made me glad I had decided against moving. It was unlikely Amanda would feel that way about a new place.

I rushed around trying to clean the place up before Amanda arrived. To be honest, I was a much better housekeeper now than I had been years earlier – one of the many ways in which Amanda had rubbed off on me. But the place still wasn't as clean as I would have liked.

Once I finished tidying up, I glanced at the clock. It was still only seven o'clock. I had decided to order dinner in as I thought our conversation was best held someplace private, but had asked for the food to arrive by eight thirty. I wanted to make sure we were both aware that someone was about to arrive. I hoped this would distract us from moving past talking too fast. As much as having Amanda in my bed had been nice, I did not want a repeat performance of the last time we had done this. That was not going to fix the problems between us.

I moved to set the table, but that only took a few more minutes. I tried to think of what else I could do to make Amanda feel comfortable. Thinking back to what made Amanda's home comfortable, I realized that she always had a fresh baked cake or cookies to offer. It was too late for that. And I couldn't imagine that anyone would want anything I had baked. I had picked up several cooking tips during my travels that meant I had several things I could cook quite well. But baking was definitely not my forte.

Then I remembered Harry. Harry's place also was homey, but he was not much of a baker. A pot of tea, I realized. I should have a pot of tea ready. Harry always did and it made me open up to him more than I ever planned to.

"_Lee, my boy," Harry greeted me as I walked through his door. I was feeling a little nervous about this get together. I liked Harry, a lot. He was a bit of a father figure to me. He was the one who originally brought me into the Agency and it was his warm personality that had persuaded me then. When he first approached me, I had no interest. It seemed too similar to the military and I felt like I was finally through with the military. I wanted to be able to stay in one place for more than a year or two and I hated all the formality that came with my uncle's job._

_But Harry was warm and friendly and so much more relaxed than most of my uncle's peers. Plus he had this way of appearing as if he cared about me within minutes of my meeting him. I was touched by this – sometimes it felt as if Harry cared about me more than my own uncle did. On the other hand, years of living with my uncle had made me cynical and so sometimes I thought it was all an act. Still, though, I decided even if it was an act, it wasn't such a bad one._

_And of course, years later when I met Amanda I realized it wasn't an act. She has that same way of seeming to care for virtual strangers, but spending more time with her, I could see that it was genuine. She (and Harry) just have a general desire to make the world a better place for everyone around them._

_Given how I brushed Amanda's feelings on this off as her being mushy and soft (and thus generally not cut out for work at the Agency) it's surprising how much it colored my early interactions with Harry and led to my being here at all._

_I was disappointed in my early days to discover that Harry was so senior that I had little day to day contact with him. But of course, I eventually met other people that came to care for me in the way Harry did – Paul Barnes and Billy among them._

_Maybe because of my history with him or how young I was when we met, despite this, none of them seemed as fatherly as Harry. So I had always enjoyed coming to see him regularly before. I thought my feelings towards these visits and the conversations we had were similar to what I may have had with my father had he lived._

_It was precisely this feeling that made me hesitant to see him now. I was sure that Billy and Harry met up as well and that I was a topic of conversation at these meetings – Harry often knew things about me before I had told him. Billy clearly did not approve of the way I had been handling things with Amanda. I was concerned that Harry had heard how things were going and with the coloring of Billy's perspective. The last thing I wanted was another lecture on the topic._

_Still, it hadn't been enough to keep me away today. So, I decided to ignore this for now and smiled back at Harry, giving him a warm handshake after I had closed the door._

_Harry immediately ushered me to the table where he had a teapot and some cookies laid out. Sometimes going to Harry's was a little like visiting a grandmother._

_We sat down and fixed our tea in companionable silence before I broached conversation._

"_So, how are you?" I asked._

"_Good," Harry replied. "I started writing my memoirs," he informed me with pride._

_I looked up in surprise. "Wouldn't they be confidential?"_

_Harry smiled, "Well, some yes. But I thought they may be kept in the IFF library." His eyes twinkled as he talked._

"_Wow. That sounds like a great idea, Harry."_

_His grin broadening, he said, "Oh, it is, but it wasn't mine. It was Amanda's."_

_I almost dropped my teacup. "Amanda's?" I asked, embarrassed to hear the tremor in my voice._

"_She didn't tell you?" Harry said, although his earlier glee in telling me made me think he knew that she wouldn't have._

"_No," I replied before gulping down some tea. "I didn't realize she saw you at all."_

"_That's part of why I wanted to see you now, Lee," Harry said._

_I felt the pit in my stomach grow. Here was the lecture I had been expecting. Although now Harry had heard not only Billy's side, but also Amanda's. Not that there was much difference between the two._

"_Is there something wrong with Amanda?" he asked me._

"_What?" I asked, confused. That was not the question I was expecting at all._

"_She's been… guarded or something every time I've seen her in the last year," he explained. "I don't know how to explain it well," he apologized. "When I met Amanda she was so open. Even though it was clear it was important to her that I see that she respected me, she was still very willing to voice her opinion and speak openly with me. But that hasn't been the case in our recent chats. She wants to hear all about me, but is very private about her own life."_

"_You don't know what she's up to?" I asked. I know it was wrong, but my thoughts had turned. Perhaps Harry could tell me how Amanda was doing. I was so hungry for information about her life, it was pathetic._

"_Well, some things," he said. "I know she's really enjoying being back in the field. I know that she's recovered well from her injury. I know she's self conscious about her scar – although that's from the clothes she wears and the way she unconsciously makes sure the scar is never showing more than by anything she's said. And I know that she likes working with Mark Dobbs. But I don't know why she's working with Dobbs and not with you and she doesn't seem to want to tell me."_

_I looked around the apartment trying to think of a way to change the subject, or at least to stall. I took a deep breath, although I wasn't sure what I was going to say next, but before I could, Harry stopped me._

"_Lee, be honest with me. Why are you and Amanda not working together?"_

_I suddenly found the tea leaves at the bottom of my now empty cup insanely interesting. I wondered if Harry knew how to read them. It seemed like something he may know._

"_Do you know how to read tea leaves, Harry?" I knew it wouldn't work, but it was worth a try._

"_Why? Is the answer in there?" Harry asked me, one eyebrow raised._

"_We aren't getting along that well anymore," I said. I was surprised to see Harry look concerned. Perhaps Billy had not told him anything. And it certainly sounded like Amanda had not._

"_Whatever do you mean?" Harry asked. "Amanda was so devoted to you. And you've never worked better with a partner."_

_I took a deep breath not sure what to say. It had never occurred to me that Harry hadn't known about us, but now, even with the prospect of being able to tell my side of the story, I wasn't sure I wanted to. I was tired of talking about this, thinking about this, feeling the pain of it. I just wanted it to be over and have things go back to the way they were. Well, except that Amanda would move to a desk job, of course._

_Harry was looking at me with compassion and patiently waiting for me to start. I knew there was no distracting him. And while he would back off if I asked, I couldn't imagine ever doing that to him._

"_Amanda and I disagree on whether or not she's ready to be back in the field," I explained._

_Harry continued to look confused, "What? But she's been in the field for several months now. Clearly she's recovered?"_

_I nodded my head. "No, it's not that. It's just… well, being in the field is dangerous and Amanda has two boys."_

_I could tell immediately by the look on his face that Harry both could tell where I was going with this and was going to side with Amanda and Billy. But still, I felt the need to plough on. "Harry, I know what it's like to grow up without parents. Amanda's sons deserve better than that!"_

_Harry paused for a moment before saying softly, "What's changed, Lee? This job isn't any less safe now than it was two years ago – when you told me yourself that Amanda was the best partner you'd ever had, that you trusted her completely and you'd follow her blind through a snowstorm. And her sons have only gotten older and thus more capable of dealing with the loss if something were to happen to Amanda. So what's different now, Lee? Is it Amanda? Has she lost her instincts? What is it?"_

_He looked so earnest. As if he was ready to hear me tell him that yes, Amanda just wasn't the agent I had thought she was going to be. And for a moment, I considered it. But I couldn't do it. Not that it mattered anyway – that certainly would have gotten back to Billy who would have quickly dispelled that notion._

"_No," I sighed, already knowing this was heading down a path I was not going to like. "She's a good agent. A great agent, really. Even better than I expected when she started her training. But… What if something happens to her?"_

_I was ready for the tirade and so was surprised when instead Harry placed a hand on mine. "This isn't about Philip and Jamie, Lee. It's about you, isn't it? You're afraid of losing her." When I said nothing, Harry went on as if I had confirmed it. "You're going to lose her anyway, Lee. This isn't going to help."_

_It was exactly what Billy had said to me. But I didn't understand why they insisted on this. How could they not understand? Amanda is a logical person. At some point, she was bound to see that I was right and change her mind. And even if not, a life where Amanda did not talk to me was better than one in which she didn't exist anymore, right?_

I bit my lip at the memory. I was right, of course. A life with Amanda not speaking to me was better than one without her. But in my blindness I hadn't really gotten that. Amanda didn't speak to me nor did she give up the activity I was so sure would end her life. And had I stopped being so damn stubborn I could have had Amanda in my life.

I sighed. There was no use bemoaning my choices in the past. I could not go back and change them. What I needed to do was fix the mistakes I had made then and move forward.

Of course, I don't keep loose tea leaves in the house, but I was not sure they were needed anyway. A tea pot with hot water and some tea bags would still make tea and I think it's the tea that seems to loosen my tongue. Well, the tea and the company. But I had never had any problem opening up to Amanda, so that was unlikely to be an issue.

I puttered around the apartment for the next half hour and finally started the tea at a quarter to eight. While I waited for the tea to boil, I rooted around the cabinets looking for tea bags. I had some plain old Lipton I had bought the last time I had the stomach flu. I also had some Tetley tea I had purchased on my last trip across the pond. Too many lunches with Emily had made me appreciate the rich taste of British tea that American tea can't seem to replicate without becoming bitter. And far in the back of the cabinet I found some peppermint tea. I think this tea is so old, Amanda had purchased it for me at some point. She claimed peppermint was a good digestive and the perfect after-dinner drink.

Amanda knocked on the door precisely at eight. I could feel my hands sweating as I opened the door, and wiped them awkwardly on my jeans as she came in. "How is your Mother?" I asked as I took her in. She was dressed casually in a jeans and a button-up shirt, but she looked amazing.

Amanda looked around awkwardly. "The place looks good, Lee," she commented. Then shaking her head she seemed to process my question. "She's doing well. I think she's happy to be back in her own place. And her neighbors keep dropping by, so she hasn't had a chance yet to be there alone and have to deal with Curt's absence. I think I may stop by again on my way home to make sure she's alright, though. I think tonight may be tough for her. I may even stay in her extra bedroom in case she needs someone to talk to."

Amanda chuckled. "Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble," she blushed slightly. But I could feel myself smiling from ear to ear. It was so good to see her again. And she felt like Amanda in a way she hadn't in our interactions in years.

"Would you like some tea?" I asked her.

Amanda's eyebrows rose in surprise. "You've been spending a lot of time with Harry, haven't you?" she asked. "You didn't use to be a tea drinker."

I could feel myself flush at that. "I'm still not. You're right. I was thinking that having tea at Harry's place always makes it easier to talk somehow. I thought we could use all the help we can get."

Amanda laughed lightly as she followed me into the kitchen. Looking at the boxes of tea on the counter top, she reached for the Tetley. "Is this okay?" she asked. "Emily has me addicted to the stuff."

I smiled. I had known that Amanda and Emily kept in touch of course, so this did not surprise me. "Precisely why I have it," I said. "I think I may actually be a tea drinker if I lived in England, but it's so hard to get this here. I try to savor it."

"Emily will send it over for you," Amanda said. "She sends me tea twice a year. Jamie says she even sends some to him at college."

This was a surprise. "Emily sends things to Jamie?"

Amanda nodded while she stirred the sugar into her tea, looking at me apologetically. "I'm afraid that as much as I am a fan of British tea, I can't seem to kick the habit of adding sugar," she smiled a bit, then moved back to our conversation. "I had to do some work with MI-5 about three summers ago. It was a small job and Mark wasn't coming with me. Jamie had always wanted to see England, so I decided to take him along with me. I only needed to work for a day and so I took a week and a half off after that.

"Emily offered to take Jamie to see some of the sights in London during the day I was working and they hit it off. Jamie asked her to stay with us while we did some site-seeing the next day and then Emily invited us to her home in Kent. We ended driving there slowly, seeing some sites along the way and spent several days at her place. It was wonderful. Jamie and Emily have kept in touch ever since."

I smiled at the thought of Emily being friends with Jamie as we brought our tea into the living room. I'm not sure why, but I found the thought comforting. Emily had never mentioned it to me, but then again, if she spent a week and a half with Amanda, she probably knew more than a little bit about what was going on between us. I had never told her although I suspected she knew. But she had never pushed. I had never known if this was as she agreed with me or if she decided I was being lectured enough by others.

As we settled onto the couch, I told Amanda the food would be arriving in a little less than a half hour. She shook her head and the ease with which we had been talking in the kitchen disappeared. We both appeared to be nervous again.

I finally decided to start by being honest. "I heard your conversation with your mother the other day," I said. Amanda looked at me quizzically not understanding what I meant. "I know I shouldn't have, but I was standing outside your window and heard the conversation where you came clean with your mother about the Agency and our marriage."

Amanda's expression was startled and I could see she was replaying that conversation in her head to see if she had said anything potentially embarrassing before she quietly said, "Oh," and I was left wondering how upset she was about my eavesdropping.


	10. Chapter 10

Amanda said nothing for several moments and I nervously played with my napkin. Finally she gave a self-depreciating laugh. "I guess if I said anything embarrassing, it doesn't really matter now, does it?"

I moved closer and put a hand on her arm, "You didn't say anything embarrassing, Amanda." Then I noticed what I had done and moved my arm away.

"I suppose you heard Mother say that we've been acting like children?" she asked.

I nodded, "She's right, too. Or at least I have. Amanda…" I paused, trying to get my words in order. The napkin I had been playing with earlier now shredded, I stood up and began pacing.

"I was wrong to try to keep you from working in the field," I started. "It's your life and I should have recognized that I was trying to run it for you."

Amanda sighed, "Yes, but it was my fault, too. I was so busy being angry at you for being stubborn; I didn't really try to see it from your perspective. When I talked to Emily it was so much clearer. I don't know, I should have realized before that. But I was so angry and then when I wasn't angry anymore, I was just tired of thinking about it.

"But I should have known this was going to be an issue for you. That you would be worried about my being hurt. I should have been more sensitive to the impact your past would have on how you thought about your future."

"That's not an excuse, Amanda. It was unfair of me to expect you to live your life catering to my fears."

Amanda smiled slightly, "And I wasn't suggesting that I would. Just that I could have been more understanding of how you were feeling. I'm sorry, Lee."

I wanted to lean over and wrap her in my arms, but was trying to restrain myself so that we could just talk tonight. So instead I focused on what it was I wanted to say. "You don't need to apologize. They were my issues and I dealt with them poorly. I'm sorry for making you feel that my opinion of your career was more important to me than being with you. It wasn't. I know I acted like it was, but I really was… well, just stupid and pigheaded. And I thought I would rather not have you in my life than you not…" I floundered, and Amanda moved nearer to put a hand on my knee.

"I know, Lee. I do. And I'm not angry at you. I forgave you a long time ago," she sighed and moved further still to rest her head against my chest. "I just want to move past this. I just don't know how."

My arms moved around her of their own accord and I rubbed small circles on her back. "Maybe," I whispered, "we need to start again. I mean it has been years since we've had a real conversation and…" my words petered off as Amanda moved away from me looking hurt.

"I understand," she said softly.

"What?" I asked, "I don't. Amanda… what is it you thought I was saying?"

Amanda stared at her hands in her lap for a moment and then stood up, "I should go see Mother."

I blinked slowly thinking that perhaps I was imagining this. But when I opened my eyes again, she was still standing there getting ready to leave. I watched her silently for a few moments as she placed her coat on and then her gloves. For a moment I was transfixed with the image of her putting her gloves on.

_I was whistling while I put the key into the lock. My good mood was diminished slightly, though, when I opened my door. Her back was to me (further proof that she had no business trying to be a spy), and while I knew I had asked her to come, I found her presence irksome._

"_Amanda," I called, trying to keep my tone neutral while I dropped my bags on the floor._

_She startled, jumping a bit and of course this lead to the fish food in her hand spilling out of the container and onto the floor. "Oh, Lee, I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I didn't realize you would be back today. Just give me a minute to clean this up."_

"_Don't worry about it," I told her, trying to get her out of my apartment. "I'll do it."_

_But, typical Amanda, she ignored me and went to open my closet. She peered inside for longer than I thought was necessary before turning around looking amused. "Where do you keep your vacuum cleaner?" she asked._

"_I don't have one," I explained, and now I could hear the annoyance in my voice._

_Amanda laughed, grating on my nerves. "You don't have one?" she repeated._

"_Of course, not," I explained as I would to a fifth grader. "I have a house keeper. What do I need a vacuum cleaner for?"_

"_Right, of course," Amanda replied, smirking. "What would you need a vacuum cleaner for? It's a miracle you and I are friends, Lee," she said as she moved to put her coat on._

_I nearly choked at her words. "I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding, Amanda. You and I are **not** friends."_

_Amanda paused, one glove on and the other off. "We're not friends?" she asked, and now there was no amusement in her voice._

"_Of course not, Amanda," I tried to keep my voice gentle, but I could hear my failure coming through. "We're way too different."_

_Amanda continued to look at me, her brown eyes wide with confusion. "But then… Lee…" she stumbled over her words and I could feel myself getting annoyed again._

"_Amanda," I said in warning._

"_Why did you ask me to feed your fish while you were away?" she rushed to ask me._

_I shook my head, thinking the answer was obvious. "Because you're the only one I know who would say yes."_

_Her eyes opened slightly wider at this and now the confusion was replaced with hurt. "Of course," she said softly. "Right. You would never be friends with someone like me. I'm just good for running errands and doing you favors."_

_My first temptation was to agree with her – she was right, of course. But I couldn't do it. "That's not what I meant, Amanda," I tried to backpedal. But of course, she did not let me get away with that._

"_Yes, it is," she corrected me, suddenly in motion again and pulling her other glove on. I found myself staring at her hands, slender and so delicate looking in her gloves, in an effort to avoid seeing the hurt in her eyes._

When I looked up now, she had the same look in her eyes she had had all those years ago. Back when I was an idiot and unkind and blind to the woman beside me.

"Amanda," I called as she reached for the door.

She stopped and turned to face me, but seeing the anguish in her eyes, I was unsure what to say. And while knowing it was the wrong thing to do, I acted on instinct. In two long strides I was beside her and moved my hand to her cheek, following the line of her cheekbone lightly before bringing my lips to hers.

I felt her gasp underneath me, but then she responded to my touch. I broke away a few seconds later trying hard to make sure we didn't get carried away. "Don't go," I whispered, my lips mere centimeters away from hers. "Please," I could hear the pleading in my voice but didn't care.

I felt, rather than saw, Amanda nod in agreement before she took a step back and started taking her gloves off. As she moved to unbutton her coat, I stepped beside her and ran my hands along her arms as I helped her remove it. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Amanda turned to look at me, confusion clear on her face. I rushed to explain even before she asked the question. "I know we should take things slowly, I know I shouldn't touch you and we should try to start again, but it's so hard. I miss you so much." I dropped my head onto her shoulder, feeling embarrassed at the admission.

"I thought," Amanda's voice was soft and uncertain in my ear. "I thought you didn't…" her voice trailed off.

I lifted my head to look at her more fully. "I didn't what?" I asked.

She stared at the floor, nervous and shy again. When she did speak again, the words all came out in a rush. "It's been so long. I'm almost fifty. And my scar," her hands worried the material of her blouse. "I just…" the rush of words stopped as quickly as they started.

We stood for a moment in silence, before I understood what she was trying to say. I felt myself flush at the thought. "This is my point," I started. I moved to place a finger under her chin, raising her eyes to meet mine. "We have been so bad at communicating that apparently you have no idea how much I want you. And while I would really like to show you…" without conscious thought I paused while I contemplated just how true that was, "I think we should work on the other ways in which we haven't communicated first."

When I let my finger fall from her chin, Amanda's eyes dropped to the floor again as she flushed. But in a moment, she regained her composure and she laughed, "You're right," she said. "I know you're right." And with that she grabbed my hand and led me back to the couch.

"So, how do we do this?" I asked. I knew what we needed to do was talk, but conversation seemed so hard sometimes.

Amanda sighed, clearly also not sure how to start. Finally she looked up, her eyes clear. "I heard that Bill asked for a desk job," she opened.

I laughed, "Yes, and Billy is all ready to give me a new partner. Interested?"

Amanda smiled. "No, actually. Believe it or not, I'm ready to come out of the field. But did you hear that Anderson is retiring? I'm taking over the freshman training classes for him."

My eyes widened in surprise. I had not heard about Anderson retiring and Billy had made no mention of Amanda's job change. "No, I hadn't heard that. When did this happen?"

"Just before the accident. I was actually in Billy's office discussing it with him when you called that day," she explained.

For a moment, I was flabbergasted. I'm not sure why, but I could not believe that Billy hadn't mentioned it. I really shouldn't have been surprised. Billy had made it pretty clear over the years that he did not consider it necessary to consult me on Amanda's career.

"_I will not have this conversation with you again, Scarecrow! Now would you go back to the Q-Bureau? I'm pretty sure you have a job to do," Billy's voice clearly conveyed his anger, but I had been working with him too long to be scared off. I knew his bark was worse than his bite._

"_Damn it, Billy!" I said, slapping my hand against my thigh. "Don't you see what a mistake this is? How could you even put Amanda on this assignment without talking to me?"_

_Billy's eyes got wide, "I'm sorry. I must have missed something, as I was under the impression that **I** am the section chief. I get to make the decisions on who gets what assignment." He could see my mouth open in preparation for letting him know what I thought of this as an excuse, but he cut me off, "Amanda is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Given her experience, she is perfect for this assignment and you will help her in anyway she asks. Do I make myself clear?"_

"_Billy, you can't really expect me to…"_

_But he cut me off before I could finish. "Yes, I can and I do. You will follow Amanda's lead. As I recall, when you were in charge of the A-TAC team, Amanda never came in here complaining about having to follow your orders. I expect the same from you or I will need to remove you from the Billington investigation. And I have to tell you, Lee, that will not bode well for you. I see your skills as important for this investigation or I would not have tried to put you on an investigation with Amanda at all. But frankly, Amanda is better suited to lead this and that is more critical, so if I need to remove one of you, it will be you."_

_I paused for a moment trying to think of the right way to get through to Billy. Thinking that taking the personal issues with Amanda out of my argument might be most effective, I went another way. "Come on, Billy. I've been in the field for years longer than Amanda and she's never run an investigation of this size before."_

_Again, Billy cut me off before I could finish my argument. "Scarecrow, we will discuss this just once. Only so you understand that I do not make these decisions to annoy you and they are well thought out. Next time I will not extend you this courtesy."_

_As Billy sat down I wondered what was courteous about the way he had been yelling at me._

_Sighing deeply, Billy said, "Of course you have more experience than Amanda overall, Lee. But not at this. This investigation requires both the ability to immediately garner trust from people and having knowledge of the workings of Billington's company. Amanda has been working on this for months now. No one knows it better and she's in a unique position to get access for many of you."_

"_But she doesn't need to be leading the team for that," I argued, thinking that if I could at least reduce her role she would be in less danger._

"_No, she doesn't," Billy conceded. "But she is the most reasonable choice. And given that there's no reason not to and I have every confidence that she can, why wouldn't she lead it?"_

_Now it was my turn to sigh. "You have a reason not to. I'm not comfortable…" _

_Instantly, Billy lost his patience again and rose from his chair. "Quite frankly, I don't care how comfortable you are. You are not Amanda's keeper. And if you think you are, let me be the first tell you that you are doing a spectacularly bad job of it. You are not required or expected to make assignment decisions. You are, however, expected to follow out those assignments you are given," Billy said, his voice no longer loud, but strong – a much worse sign._

_I said nothing for a moment, not sure how to get out of this. It had become clear that I was not going to get what I wanted out of this discussion, and I did not want to be taken off this assignment. I thought I could keep Amanda safer if I was there._

_My silence seemed to give Billy a chance to calm down slightly and he came over and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Lee, you are bright and good at this job and I value your opinion. But for the record, I don't think you have ever been able to make rational decisions regarding Amanda, and I do not appreciate your questioning **my** decisions regarding her career. I do not need your help being section chief. You may try to remember that most of that experience you were touting earlier was given to you by me. And as much as you may not want to hear it, Amanda is a great field agent. This is the right decision."_

Remembering this made me smile slightly, "You'll be great, Amanda," I told her, remembering how impressed I had been at her skill at leading the team for that investigation. She never once lost her temper in front of us, although she did take me aside once or twice to tell me to stop trying to keep her out of it or she would need to remove me from the operation. And Billy had been right – not only had Amanda quickly gained the trust of Billington's men, but also of the agents she was leading. She really would be perfect as an instructor.

Amanda blushed, "Thank you, Lee. It means a lot to me that you think so."

There was a momentary lapse in the conversation when Amanda looked at her watch. "I'm sorry, Lee. I do want to keep talking, but I should go if I want to visit, Mother."

I nodded my head in understanding. "Are you free tomorrow night? Could you come back?" I asked.

Amanda smiled, brightening her whole face. "I'd like that," she said as she got up to move the dinner dishes into the kitchen.

It only took us a moment to get everything put away and it gave me a feeling of contentment to notice how well we were working together.

As I watched her put her gloves back on, I had a thought. "Amanda?" I asked, suddenly feeling nervous. She looked up at me and I found myself blurting out what I was thinking. "Maybe I could go with you? To see your mother, I mean." I rushed on at the startled look on her face. "Of course, only if it's okay with you. If you think it would be better to see her alone…"

My voice trailed off as Amanda laughed lightly. "Of course, you can come, Lee? But are you sure you want to?"

I nodded as I reached in to the closet for my jacket. "We can take separate cars, so you can kick me out whenever you want," I said.

"That's not necessary," Amanda told me, but I insisted. I didn't want her to feel smothered.


	11. Chapter 11

"Amanda," Dotty said as she opened the door. "I told you that you didn't need to stop by."

"I know, Mother," she said as she leaned in to give her mother a kiss on the cheek. "I decided to do so anyway. And I brought you a guest."

Amanda moved away so that I was more clearly visible to Dotty. To my eyes, Dotty looked unaffected by being home without Curt, but I could see the worry in Amanda's eyes when I glanced at her.

"Lee Stetson!" Dotty exclaimed when she saw me. "I don't know if it's more of a treat that you are here or that you are here with my daughter," she cried as she came over to give me a hug.

"Hello, Mrs," I changed directions at the mock harsh look from Dotty. "…Dotty. It's good to see you."

As she pulled away and I could see her face better, the light showcasing the tear tracks on her cheeks, and I could see the reason for Amanda's concern. "You look wonderful," I told her, guessing by her overly cheerful attitude that she was hoping we wouldn't notice the signs of her earlier tears.

I wondered if perhaps I shouldn't have come so Amanda and Dotty could talk without Dotty feeling the need to put on a show, but one more glance at Amanda's face and I was glad I came. She looked scared in a way I wasn't accustomed to, especially when she was dealing with her family.

"Just give me one moment," Dotty said as she moved to the bathroom.

As soon as Dotty had left the room, Amanda turned toward me. "I shouldn't have let her come back," she said softly, her voice full of pain.

"What? Amanda, your mother is a grown woman. If she was ready to come back, you didn't have a choice."

"Lee, you are nearly six inches taller than me. How did my mother not see you behind me? She's distracted with her grief."

I put a hand on her wrist and gently tugged her towards me. Wrapping my arms around her, I whispered, "Of course she is, but she'll get past it. She was going to have to deal with it at some point anyway. You needed to let her move ahead with her life."

Neither of us said anything for a moment, and then I felt Amanda sigh against my chest. "You're right," she said as she pulled away. "Thank you." As she moved towards the couch, I could see that her cheeks were pink and I wondered if holding her had been the wrong move.

But before I had time to analyze it, Dotty came out of the bathroom. Her face was rosy (from being recently washed, I was guessing). "Tea?" she asked us.

"I'll get it, Mother," Amanda said as she got up and moved toward the kitchen.

Dotty looked like she wanted to argue, but couldn't find the words and looking lost, she sat down uneasily on the couch. She looked up at me from her seat and said in a deceptively calm voice, "Sorry this is so belated, but welcome to the family, Lee. I would have said something when we saw you in the grocery store, but I didn't know."

I gave a grimace as I sat down. "I know. I'm sorry."

"For what exactly?" Dotty asked, but before I could respond she placed a hand on my arm. Her hand felt warm and reassuring, but her voice was slightly cold. "I'm glad to see you two are talking, but if you hurt my daughter again, I will personally make your life a living hell."

I laughed lightly, "I don't doubt it," I told her.

"The foolishness of both of you!" she said to me, her voice wobbling slightly. "To waste so much time. Don't you know…" she stopped as tears pooled in her eyes. But being Dotty, this didn't stop her. She sniffled and continued, "Don't you know how limited it is?"

Amanda was coming back in with the tea and before I could even really respond to Dotty, she was on the couch as well. She sat down slightly behind her mother and wrapped her arms around her from behind. Taking my cue from Amanda, I moved closer and put my arms around both West women.

I've never been comfortable around crying – a fact Amanda knows all too well and so it didn't surprise me when I felt her hand on my arm reassuringly.

_I could see it coming but felt powerless to stop it. It hadn't taken long for me to label Amanda a crier. To be fair, it only seemed to be life and death situations that did it, but in my line of work, those were unfortunately common. Francine didn't cry whenever her life was put in danger, though. Other women managed to get along as an agent just fine._

_I felt guilty for my thoughts as I looked into her face, though. Amanda wasn't an agent and she had not been trained to deal with these situations. Besides, those brutes had hit her a couple of times, too. It was normal to get scared._

_And I guess it was normal, too, that she cried. If only I knew what to do better. But all I ever ended up doing was waiting for her to stop crying._

_I reached over and moved her closer to my chest. I'm sure Amanda thought this was me trying to show I cared, but honestly, I was mostly doing it so I didn't have to see her face. It bothered me how I felt whenever I saw tears in her brown eyes._

_I couldn't explain it really, but I felt… protective of her in a way that was entirely unnatural. And sad, too, which didn't make any sense. Amanda was entirely too optimistic. I continually told Francine that the only benefit of the fact that I kept getting stuck working with Amanda was that she must be coming to understand that the world wasn't quite as rosy as she seemed to think. So, I should be happy. Like all the others, this was another life lesson for her._

_But the thought of her finally seeing the world the way it really was made me cringe. I think… and I'd never admit it to anyone, that I kind of like the fact that Amanda has such a positive view on the world around her and is almost always smiling. Well, when not in life and death situations, anyway._

"_Thank you," she mumbled into my shirt._

_I realized I had been moving my hand up and down her back and stopped so she could move away._

"_No need to thank me," I mumbled._

_Amanda gave me a watery smile as she sniffled. "Yes, I do. I know how you feel about tears, but you always seem willing to indulge me."_

"_Oh, don't be ridiculous, Amanda," I said. "Tears are perfectly natural." But she gave me dubious look and I knew she didn't believe me._

"_Whatever you say, Lee. But I still appreciate it." She wiped her face and seemed to almost be completely back to the cheerful, vaguely annoying woman I was used to._

_I shook my head to show it wasn't important, but for some reason couldn't leave well enough alone. "It's not like I do much, anyway."_

_Amanda moved closer to me again, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Just being there helps. Sometimes it's just about knowing that some cares."_

_I didn't respond. I mean, I didn't care, right? I didn't. At least I was pretty sure I didn't._

I thought of this now as I looked at Dotty. I imagine that what Amanda had said all those years ago was true now. While no doubt, the person she really wanted to be there was Curt, it was probably helpful to remember that there were other people who cared about her. I remembered vaguely the feeling I had when I saw Amanda after Eva almost shot me. When Dorothy had died, I had felt completely alone. I had friends, but none that I was that close to. When she died, it was like no one else cared about what happened to me.

I had felt that way, too, staring into the barrel of Eva's gun. This woman, who I thought had loved me – twice now, clearly didn't. And no one else would care. But then Amanda was there and it was clear that she did. Sure she was annoying, but at that moment, it didn't matter. Just knowing that she was happy that Eva hadn't successfully killed me blunted the blow from Eva slightly.

While I knew this was likely entirely different, I hoped the feeling would be similar for Dotty.

We sat in silence for several moments, Dotty's sobs the only sounds in her apartment. And in that silence, I realized I was glad I was there. As much as I hate tears, I was glad I was able to be there for both of them.

Dotty pulled away a moment later and Amanda and I both let her go. "I'm sorry," she said. "You have your own problems to deal with. I'll be fine."

"Mother!" Amanda admonished. "Don't be silly! Nothing is more important than being here for you."

"Amanda, you are an adult. You have your own life," Dotty said as she got up and reached for a tissue.

"And you weren't an adult when Joe left and you sold your home so you could live with me and help me with the boys?" Amanda challenged. "Face it, Mother. You're stuck with me."

Dotty smiled and gave a sniffle. "I certainly hope so," she said fondly, placing a hand on Amanda's head.

Amanda stood to give her mother a hug, but after a moment Dotty moved back. "Amanda, I love you. And I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am that you came over tonight. Both of you," she said, taking me in as she spoke. "But I have to do this alone. If you hold my hand all night, I'll just have to deal with it tomorrow. Go home, sweetheart."

Amanda looked like she was going to argue, but thought better of it. "Okay," she said quietly. She quickly moved to take the un-drunk tea back into the kitchen and Dotty and I followed her.

"Let me handle that," Dotty said, but Amanda ignored her and within moments everything was washed and put away.

She walked over and placed her arms around her mother and gave her a tight hug. "Call me tonight if you want to talk," she said. "Anytime."

Dotty nodded and I moved over and gave Dotty a hug as well.

"I hope you'll be back, Lee," Dotty said and I nodded.

I felt subdued as Amanda and I walked back towards our cars and neither of us said anything. When we reached them, I stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. When Amanda looked at me, though, she was crying and she moved closer, placing her head against my chest and her arms around me. "Don't go home, yet, Lee? Please?"

Wordlessly, I wrapped my arms around her again. "Come on, let's go get a cup of coffee?" I whispered to her. "You don't want your mother to see you out here crying in her driveway."

Amanda sniffled as she nodded her head against my chest. I moved my hand to her shoulders to move her slightly away from me as I guided her into the Grand Prix. I let my hand linger lightly on the small of her back as she got in out of habit.

I moved swiftly around the car, somehow afraid she may get out if I gave her a chance even though she had been the one to ask me to stay. It was a short drive to a coffee house nearby. It was late and the middle of the week, so the place was empty. It was one of the new ones with cushy seats and I led Amanda to a loveseat. Once she sat down, I went to get two coffees from the person at the counter.

I came back to the couch a moment later, handing the coffee with milk and one packet of artificial sweetener to her. She took a grateful sip before sniffling, "It's perfect. Thank you."

I smiled at her, slightly embarrassed that I still remembered how she liked her coffee, as I sat down on the loveseat next to her. The loveseat was small and packed with throw pillows and so even given how slim we both are my leg pressed lightly up against hers. I looked around for someplace else to sit, something else that would be cozy enough for Amanda to still feel comfortable talking, and yet would give us more personal space.

But perhaps Amanda did not want personal space, perhaps she felt better knowing I was there, as she placed her coffee on the table in front of us and leaned her head on my shoulder.

We sat in silence for a few more moments before she whispered, "Thank you for coming with me to Mother's. I didn't realize how hard it would be."

I didn't know what the appropriate response to this was so I settled for placing my arm around her. This caused her to move even closer to me and I took a breath to remind myself that we were in a public place and Amanda was upset.

We sat in silence for a few moments before I realized that Amanda was crying again. I moved slightly to pull her head against my chest and held her tightly. When the crying stopped, Amanda moved back to our previous position with her head on my shoulder.

"I miss him," she whispered.

"Curt?" I clarified.

I could feel Amanda nod against my shoulder. "He was a really nice guy," she said. It was weird how such innocuous words could sound so sincere coming from Amanda. "And he loved Mother. I mean, he really loved her. He saw all of her faults and didn't care, but he gave her looks to calm her down and she listened to him. I've never seen her listen to anyone else before."

I gripped her a little tighter to let her know I was still listening.

"And he was great with the boys. Took them to ballgames. He helped Philip find a job after college. He took Jamie to look at colleges when I was in England. He was just…" Amanda paused, still sobbing slightly, "he was just a part of the family."

She sat in silence again for a few moments before she took a deep breath. "Lee?" she asked.

"Hmm," I tried to keep my reply noncommittal so she would keep talking.

"He knew," she whispered.

When she did not keep speaking, I asked, "He knew what?"

"He knew about us. About me. He knew about IFF. He knew we were married."

It would be an understatement to say this surprised me. I wasn't even sure what to say to this.

"I didn't mean to. It was just… he came over one day to help with a leaky faucet in the bathroom. I had intended to fix it, but had been too busy. When Mother noticed it when she was visiting, she asked Curt to come help. He came in the middle of the day thinking I would be at work. It was intended to be a surprise."

She paused again, so to prod her on I asked, "He didn't know you were home?"

"I hadn't told anyone I was taking the day off. It was… our anniversary. I couldn't explain why I didn't feel like I could deal with work that day, so I just didn't tell anyone I had taken off."

This knowledge surprised me. I had not known that Amanda took vacation days for our anniversary. Of course, this was not surprising given that I was never around for them, taking vacation days for them as well.

"Anyway, he came in using Mother's spare key and found me crying in the living room. He came over to make sure I was okay and the whole story came pouring out." Amanda's voice had gotten so quiet it was almost hard to hear her, so I bent my head a little closer to hers. "He never told Mother. He told me she would understand why I hadn't told her, but that I should do it when the time was right, not just because I felt I needed to."

I smiled a little. Amanda was right – he did sound like a really nice guy.

"And Mother loved him. I don't know how she's going to deal with this," Amanda whispered.

We sat in silence for several minutes. Finally I decided that I needed to say something, so I whispered, "She'll be okay."

"Lee," she whispered, "we've spent the last ten years not getting over us. Maybe she won't be okay."

"It was different. I think we didn't move on as we didn't want to. We were hoping to get past this. Your mother won't be hoping for that. She got over your father, didn't she?" At Amanda's nod, I continued, "and she loved him very much. She'll get past this, too. With our help."

Amanda moved away from me to look in my eyes, "Our?" she asked.

"Well, yes," I said, suddenly nervous that I had intruded.

Amanda smiled slightly, "Really?" she asked again, but this time it was clear I wasn't intruding. She sounded hopeful.

"If you want me to be," I told her drawing her closer to my side. "I'll be around as long as you want."


	12. Chapter 12

The reference to _When Harry Met Sally_ is real and so the mutilated dialogue is property of Showtime Networks. This does give away the end of the movie, so if you haven't seen it yet, you may not want to read it. But I thought I wouldn't worry too much about plot spoilers for a movie that's about 19 years old. (I should add that if you haven't seen it, you should. It's probably the best romantic comedy ever – with a great mix of both elements.)

This is the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing.

_What was I thinking? There was absolutely no rational explanation for my behavior. It was like I had temporarily taken leave of my senses. Which would be more understandable except that it had been happening seemingly all the time recently. I knew it was a problem. I was good at reminding myself not to do this, to try to remain levelheaded. And yet somehow despite this…_

_I didn't understand. It wasn't as if I had ever really been immune to her. I mean, come on, I'm Lee Stetson. So of course, I'd always realized she was attractive, always entertained fantasies… But I also knew where the line between fantasies and realities lay and until a few months ago, I had almost never accidentally crossed it. _

_Sure, I enjoyed playing with her a little bit, seeing if maybe she wasn't as immune to my charms as she pretended. So perhaps on a case or two where we had been playing husband and wife, I had been a little over the top in playing my cover. But I was always in complete control in those situations. I always knew exactly what it was I was doing. _

_Even at the wedding in San Angelo_ _I hadn't felt as blindsided by Amanda or as if my mind had no control over my actions and reactions to her. I had been surprised by her kiss – tentative at first, but a touch of… passion beneath that. It was a nicer kiss than I had expected from a housewife with two children. Nice enough that I had almost gone in for a second one. But at the last minute I had remembered where I was. What it was we were supposed to be doing (which was definitely not kissing). And within moments I was under control again._

_Unlike today._ _Today I had just… lost control, I guess. And the whole thing was so strange. I mean, among other things, my earlier fantasies about Amanda had lessened somewhat. I still had them, of course. I was still Lee Stetson and Amanda was still a beautiful woman. But I no longer was so sure that Amanda would be shy and nervous and so the tenor of those fantasies had changed slowly. And now they were happening less often, infrequently even, in their original, purely sexual form._

_And that was weird, too. Since when did I have fantasies about women that didn't take place 100 in the bedroom? Or at least involve activities that normally were confined to there. But recently I had found myself having daydreams about Amanda that were ill defined and uncertain, but seemingly wholly focused on wrapping my arms around her and kissing her._

_Which was bad enough._ _But now I had taken to acting out parts of these daydreams in real life. Like today. What was I thinking? It didn't make any sense. We had been working on the case. Well, sort of. I was helping Amanda run her lines. And that was for the case. So I should have been focused on that._

_But somehow having lines to read meant I stopped thinking or something. And then there was the smell of Amanda's perfume when she was that near me. I just… well, I lost control._

_If Francine hadn't come in when she did, I would have done something really stupid._

_What the heck was she thinking? You'd think…_

_She was a housewife. A housewife, for goodness sake! Why wouldn't a housewife be in a rush to get rid of a package from a stranger? Why didn't she just follow my instructions? Were they not clear enough? How many men in red hats could have been on the train?_

_And so then I was stuck working at that burger joint hoping that the housewife would show up. If just one more person had spilled soda on me or asked for more ketchup or nearly ran my toes over as they drove away…_

_But she showed up before I lost all patience. And I nearly lost my breath when she did. I remembered thinking she was beautiful when I had seen her at the train station. But I was in a rush and so even the noticing was in an academic sense. I couldn't really remember what had made me think so._

_And who would have thought that the great Scarecrow would be breathless at the sight of a housewife at a burger joint with a station wagon full of kids. How more clichéd could you get?_

_And yet, despite that, something about her was surprising. I knew in that moment that I'd be fantasizing about a housewife that night._

_There was a moment of silence. Of complete and utter quiet. And then the sound of screaming. My screaming. "Amanda!" I called, but she didn't respond immediately._

_I ran to the side of the car to see why she wasn't talking, reassuring me she was alright, and felt my heart stop. Literally. The world around me was fuzzy and for a moment I was sure I was going to pass out. Barney's hand on my arm seemed to calm me slightly and I reached inside and felt my heart speed slightly at the realization that there was still a pulse, even if it was faint. She was going to be fine. She was going to be fine. She had to be fine._

_I threw up in the rental car while Barney called for an ambulance._

I was plagued by thoughts of Amanda all night. I kept drifting in and out of sleep. But the last memory had been too real. I had felt the emotions just as clearly as I had on the day she was shot. So when I woke up, I was short of breath and sweaty. Going back to sleep was not an option.

I lay in bed for a moment trying to catch my breath. Amanda and I had settled into a sense of understanding after I told her that I intended to be there for her and her mother. I'm not sure why, but it suddenly felt more real, more permanent after that. We were going to work through this.

After a few more moments of silence, I had suggested that perhaps it was time to head home, and Amanda had agreed. I drove her back to her mother's place to pick up her car and then followed her home. Amanda came over, leaning over the car door to whisper her goodnight to me in the darkness. Then she leaned further in to place a small kiss against my cheek before heading up the walkway.

I watched her get inside safely and then stayed in my car in front of her house watching as lights turned off and on for another half hour before the light in her bedroom, faint coming through the hallway to the window at the front of the house, went off and the enter house was dark. Then sitting there a minute or two more, I turned the engine on and came home.

I had fallen asleep easily once I got home and had dreams of Amanda all night. The early ones were pleasant, memories of stolen moments before the wedding. But then they had moved to the panicky way I had felt before we got together when I was still fighting my feelings, to early memories from shortly after I met her. But then that last memory of the shooting and now any calm I had felt at leaving Amanda's house was gone.

With a sigh I got up and took a shower hoping the hot water would sooth me. But I was still out of control of my emotions and within moments I was gulping in air, tears streaming down my face as the water cascaded over me. The shower felt distant to me. I felt back in the moment in California years ago. Watching Amanda's prone body in the car seat. Sure that I was going to lose her like I had lost my parents and Dorothy.

I got out of the shower, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt while I tried to get control of my breathing. Finally, I decided to drive back over to Arlington. Perhaps watching the quiet peacefulness of her house would calm me again.

But I only sat in the car for a few moments before I knew that that was not going to be enough for me tonight. I made my way quietly to her front door. The deadbolt was harder to pick than I expected so I moved to the backdoor which I had open in moments.

I walked through the kitchen and up the stairs in the darkness hoping I wouldn't startle Amanda. At the top of the stairs I stopped. It was faint, but I could hear her even breathing down the hall. I sat down quietly on the top step. If I could listen to her for just a few moments, I'd calm down and be able to go back to sleep.

In the quiet darkness of the house, time passed quickly and I sat there for probably half an hour or so. When I got up to leave, though, my feet took me down the hallway rather than down the steps as I had intended. Just a glance inside to see her face, I told myself.

But then that wasn't enough. I wanted to get closer. And before I could think through it carefully, I had moved to the other side of the bed and slipped in beside her, pressing myself to her, moving to wrap my arms tightly around her.

She woke with a start, sitting up quickly, and moved an arm back as if to hit me. But then she recognized me and her face softened as her arm moved down.

"Lee?" she asked.

I wanted to respond, but I found myself unable to.

"Lee?" she asked again. When I still did not respond, Amanda leaned over to turn on the light. For some reason, the sudden brightness did not bother my eyes, but I saw Amanda squint. We remained in silence a moment or two more before Amanda's eyes adjusted to the bright light and she opened her eyes more fully. Looking at me again, she gasped. "Lee, what's wrong?"

It wasn't until I felt her hand on my cheek that I realized I was crying again.

I still could not make myself respond, but I reached my arms out and pulled her to me. She came willingly and I held her tightly. I felt her hands run up and down my arms soothingly as I continued to cry and breath deeply.

"I was so scared," I finally whispered into her hair.

"It's okay," she whispered back. "It's all going to be okay."

"I didn't think…" I tried to formulate the thoughts in my head, although I knew that they were not rational, but was still having trouble speaking. "I thought I had lost you."

Amanda pulled back to look at me critically. "Lee, what is wrong?" she said, sounding wide awake and stronger this time. "What are you talking about?"

She ran her hands over my chest and arms as she asked and waited patiently while I seemed to work out whatever was going on in my head. Finally feeling more in control of my tears, I whispered, "I had a dream."

Amanda said nothing and continued to look at me quizzically.

I took a breath and continued. "I dreamt about our honey… I dreamt about the day you were shot. When I saw you in that car, Amanda, just lying there, I was sure you were dead."

Amanda leaned down again to engulf me in her arms. "It's okay, Lee. I'm right here and I'm fine."

"I was sure I had lost you," I said again, breathing in deeply, finding the smell of her shampoo comforting. Some small part of my brain realized that I did not recognize it. It was different than the shampoo she had used back then.

"It's okay, Lee," she whispered again and this time she leaned up again to look at my face.

My hands moved up of their own accord and my fingers traced light paths across her cheeks, reassuring me that she was right here and all right. Suddenly Amanda's cheeks pinkened and her movements stopped. She licked her lips nervously, but said nothing.

For my part, I hardly noticed her sudden discomfort. My eyes were following the paths of my fingers as they continued their journey over her lips. One hand moved back over her cheek and into her hair as I leaned up slightly to place my lips against hers. "I was so scared," I whispered yet again against her lips between kisses as my hands continued moving slowly along her body.

I felt my breath quicken as my tears dried on my cheeks and my actions became bolder. Amanda had responded to my kisses willingly, but when my hands drifted to the buttons of her nightgown she backed away.

"Lee, you said you didn't want to do this," she reminded me, staring firmly at the bed sheets.

My lips dipped to her neck as I whispered back somewhat distractedly, "What?"

She pushed me away more firmly and repeated, "You said you didn't want to do this."

I stared at her for a few moments, taking in her rumpled appearance. How any woman could be both so cute and so sexy at once, I had no idea. "I didn't," I finally replied, closing my head and shaking my head slightly to clear it. "But…" I paused, unsure how to word my thoughts.

"What do you want?" I finally asked her, but could tell immediately by the deepening blush on her cheeks that she was unwilling to tell me. "Amanda, I want… I feel like I need to feel you against me, to reassure myself that you're alive. But if you don't want to, if you'd rather take it slow…" My voice trailed off.

Taking a deep breath, I gripped her arms with my hands as I sat up in her bed. "I didn't want to jump right back into bed. I want to do this the right way. I want…" I felt my own cheeks redden now as I stared at the comforter. But I forced myself to look up at her and look into her eyes. "Amanda, I want to… I want to build a life with you. A real one. One where we're not only married but we act like it. I don't want to ruin that by rushing into things, though."

"Then why are you here?" she whispered.

I sighed, "Because I needed to see you. Because I missed you. Because my nightmare scared me." I smiled as I thought of something. "Have you ever seen _When Harry Met Sally_?" I asked her.

Her eyebrows rose in amusement. "You saw _When Harry Met Sally_?" she asked me in reply.

I laughed slightly. "It was on television one night. I didn't mean to, but I got drawn in. So have you seen it?" I asked her again.

She laughed, "Of course. My mother wanted to see it desperately and Curt refused to go with her, so I did. Of course, Mother only made Curt watch it with her on video later," Amanda smiled. Then seeming to remember where she was she asked, "Why?"

I smiled at her, "Do you remember at the end when Harry comes to the party to find Sally? Do you remember what he said to her?"

Amanda's brow wrinkled in thought. "Something about loving the fact that she was cold when it was seventy degrees outside?" she said.

I laughed, "Well, yes, but that's not what I meant. He said he came there that night because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want to start the rest of your life as soon as possible. I feel that way tonight. I want to do things right and take things slowly, but at the same time, I want to rush and get to the part where things between us are better and we are a family."

Amanda leaned forward to press her lips against mine. The kiss was sweet and full of love but she pulled away before it could progress. She rested her forehead against mine, her breathing a bit faster than normal. "I want that, too," she whispered.

I moved my head slightly to kiss her forehead and then pulled her to me bringing us both to a prone position. "Can I stay?" I asked her, just as she whispered, "Will you stay?"

Amanda laughed lightly and I tightened my grip on her. Then rolling us onto our sides so that she was beside me, I moved one arm from around her to move my hand through her sleep tousled hair. "Maybe for tonight I'll just hold you?" I asked her.

She smiled slightly, "I'd like that." She leaned over and turned off the light, but I could still see her wide eyes looking at mine in the darkness.

In a moment, my eyes adjusted to the lack of light and I could see Amanda's outline beside me. My hand still moving through her hair, I voiced my thought from earlier. "You're using different shampoo."

"Hmm…" she whispered back, sounding half asleep as her hand absently moved up and down my arm.

"Your hair. It smells different than it used to," I whispered.

Amanda's eyes popped open. "You remember what my hair used to smell like?" she asked, amazed.

I nodded my head, suddenly feeling too embarrassed to speak. Amanda leaned forward to hug me. "That's sweet."

Then with a gentle kiss to my cheek, she moved back beside me. "Do you want me to switch back?" she asked. "I don't even remember what brand I used to use, but I'm sure I can find it."

I smiled at her even though I knew she wouldn't be able to see that in the dark. "No. I like the new shampoo, too. I just want to know what else is different. I want to learn everything about you."

Amanda blushed so deeply I could see the hint of pink in the dark. "What about you?" she asked. "You're not the same person either."

I nodded, thinking about how I had changed. "I'm coming out of the field," I told her.

She sat up in bed, leaning over to turn the light on again. "What?" she asked, sounding startled.

"It's time," I told her, sitting up as well. "I'm ready now."

"But, Lee," she protested, "you love being in the field."

I nodded my head in agreement. "I do. But I need to come in soon anyway."

"Not yet, though," Amanda said. "You likely still have at least five more years…"

I cut her off. "I'm sure I do, but I don't want it. I want to come in. I'm taking a job with fewer hours and more pay. I want to be able to spend more time with you and with you taking over for Anderson, you'll have more free time, too."

"Lee," she pressed a hand to my thigh, looking deep into my eyes, "You don't need to do this for me."

I leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to her lips. "I'm not," I whispered. "I'm doing it for me."

Amanda smiled at me shyly. "And you're sure?" she asked. I nodded. "So, what are you going to be doing?" she asked me.

I smiled although I was afraid she would be upset. "Well, I'm not sure. I talked to Billy about something that interested me, but since it means moving out of the field division, I need to talk to the head of that department as well."

"I'm sure you won't have a problem moving anywhere you'd like, Lee. Where do you want to go?"

"You know that Smithson is moving to the New York office?" I asked her, seeing understanding coming to her face instantly.

"You want to head up Covert Operations classes?" she asked, but from the twinkle in her eye, I knew she wasn't upset.

"Well, I'll be honest. I have a bit of a crush on the boss."

"Lee…"

I laughed, "I'm kidding. That's not why, of course. But I think I'd like training classes and the job offer is a good one."

Amanda looked at me quizzically. "But…" she trailed off.

"But I'd be working for you? I know. That's a plus." As Amanda's cheeks reddened again, I clarified, "Because I've seen you in action and you are a great boss. Not because I also happen to be in love with you."

"Lee…" she started, but trailed off again.

"Is it a problem for you?" I suddenly worried that I had read her wrong.

She placed a warm hand on my cheek. "No, but are you sure? Won't it be weird?"

I shook my head. "The jobs are too specific for there to be any concerns about you playing favorites or something. And given that we're not in the field, the Agency has no rules against it. So, as long as we're both okay with it, there's no issue. And I am okay with it. Really. I didn't consider the job because of you. When I talked to Billy about it, I didn't even know you were taking over for Anderson. But knowing that you are makes the job even better. Both because I'll see more of you and because as I said before, you are a great boss."

Amanda leaned forward to press her forehead against mine. "And you're sure?" she asked again.

I nodded. "Very sure," I said as I leaned over her to turn out the lights. "Now, can we go to sleep, Mrs. King?" I asked. "I'm getting sleepy."

Amanda yawned in response as she settled down next to me. We lay holding each other in silence for a few moments.

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, Amanda whispered, "Oh, Lee?"

"Hmm…" I mumbled back.

"It's Mrs. Stetson now."

**The End**


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